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When Your Brain Needs to Catch Up With Your Heart

Thursday, October 10, 2013

I wrote a letter to Story this afternoon. I had been wanting to for a while, but for whatever reason I wasn't able to write it till today. I started it at work this afternoon, then took it with me to the dance studio to finish before I taught ballet. I hoped to sneak it in her dance bag while she wasn't looking for her to find after her class. Which I did. :)

I wrote Story thanking her for what she does for my life, which is pretty much ensure it moves forward. There were things I needed to say a long time ago that I just really needed her to know. I wrote and wrote, and at the end of the first page, I wrote something before I even thought it. I think it came out of my heart because, in order for my brain to understand what it said I had to go back and reread it. And what I read was this:

Once upon a time always ends with happily ever after.

Wow. I read that and couldn't help but smile. Widely.

And who would believe it, as, on paper, I should be very sad right now. But once upon a time always ends with happily ever after.

In case you are really scared I have completely left reality, I do know that life isn't perfect and things don't always work out the way you want them to. Trust me, I know. There are things in the middle of those two things that aren't so pleasant like eating a poisoned apple or cleaning up after wicked stepsisters or being chased by the Queen of Hearts. But at the end of all those pesky middles comes happily ever after.

At least, that's what I hope for. And what my heart, apparently, believes.

The Lord Gives and the Lord Takes Away

Wednesday, October 9, 2013

There are many sad things in the world that cause pain and suffering, but I think one of the worst is a broken heart. Heartbreak pain is really indescribable pain... it's the kind that makes you think you can't sleep (and you can't), you can't eat (you really can't), you can't get off the couch, you can't go to work, you can barely move because every bit of your energy is going in to just taking your next breath. Just keeping yourself alive for one more moment. 

Heartbreak is something that most people have experienced. Some of us more than one time. And, the thing is, it never gets easier the more times it happens. In fact, I feel like the older you get the harder heartbreak is. The harder you fall. But with age I think also comes a sense of perspective, so even if it hurts more, hurts so badly you don't know what you're going to do with yourself, maybe one day you'll be able to process the pain in a way you couldn't do when you were younger. Or at least know that when you're hurting so badly now, even if you can't see the end of it or when it'll be over, you know that one day you will wake up and it will all be okay. It just will. 

Obviously I'm feeling a bit of broken heart right now. And by "a bit" I mean I am feeling the pain of a broken heart right now. It's pretty fresh. And I thought yesterday that most people, when they think of meeting God and asking Him a question, they want to ask him what is the meaning of life? But me? I'd ask him... where were you? Where were you God? Where were you when I was crying and in pain and praying to you for help? Where were you when I was praying before to please only let me feel this way if it came from You. WHERE WERE YOU? 

Fortunately I read the writing of a lot of people smarter than me, and I read something last night that really helped me. You can read the whole thing here (and you should), but it all boils down to this:

Each time I am tempted to scream, Where is our God when we suffer?!, the crucifix provides its own, wordless response: He is right here, suffering with us.

He's here. Suffering with us. I'm God's daughter. When I hurt, He hurts. He feels the pain I'm in. Even though He has the ability to take it away in a second, for whatever reason He's decided that this is something I need to feel and experience and suffer through. But He feels it too. I'm not here feeling this pain alone. He's beside me feeling it too. So thanks, Jen, for helping ease the heartache of someone you don't know and have never met.

One thing I asked my best friend Melissa last night was why? Why did this have to happen? In the grand scheme of life and God's world and His plan, was it really so important to God that I go through this? Could he not have just prevented it from happening or taken the feelings from my heart? The answer is, of course he could. And I don't know why I had to feel pain or why He didn't take it away. But I'm trying to be okay with the fact he didn't. And, at the very least, this is just another situation that reminds me the kind of friends He has blessed me with: friends like Melissa who have two small kids and a husband and a job but talked to me for an hour on my drive home from heartbreak central last night. I couldn't have made it home without her voice on the other end of the phone. Friends like Story who found me at 7:30 this morning on her way to school to bring me muffins and a note and a hug. Friends like Sarah who texted me all morning from work and then told me to meet her in her backyard after work for wine and talking because our trip to the store for Saturday's volunteer supplies could so wait for something like this. 

And like I told Melissa this morning via email: I got a little sleep, and I just took my medicine and brushed my teeth. I'm about to shower and clean up some things. I haven't cried today since I hugged Story this morning. I feel okay. I really do. :) It hurts, it does, but Mel, I choose to believe I am magic and that life is magic and that God has blessed me beyond measure with all the many people and things I have to be grateful for. As I told you last night, I have a list of things in my life that will never change, no matter how old I get or how heartbroken I am or anything. There are friends that will come and go and I know that, but there are things I know that will never change. Story won't. You and your kids won't. My parents won't. Sarah even won't. I choose to believe I'm special, that God made me just the way He wanted me, and although I might get angry with Him because I don't understand why he lets me hurt so badly sometimes, perhaps it's not for me to know now. As my mom told me this past weekend when we were talking Fulton Sheen saved my life so I could LIVE my life not so I could be scared of it. 

Who knows why heartbreak happens and why some people (ahem, myself) seem to experience it more than others.  But I guess the real question is -- why NOT me. But it's not the pain that's the important part, the important part is getting up and still believing in your own magic. Believe that hope is the most powerful magic of all. 

The note Story brought me this morning with my muffins. Love that kid.

They Shoot Single People, Don't They?

Monday, July 15, 2013

Remember how I was talking about having to go on two blind dates within a period of about five days? I went on one of them Friday and I have another to go on this Wednesday. My hilarious friend Sarah and I were talking today about our newest theory on how people decide with whom to set you up. Spoiler alert: it has less to do with who you actually are as a person and more to do with the fact that you are single. 

And... go: 



me
1:27 PM
honestly this is my life.
let me tell you my new theory...
you know how gay guys complain that sometimes people are like "oh you're gay and i know a gay guy, i'm sure you'll hit it off!" like the only reason is b/c they're both gay?
i feel like i'm getting to an age where people are like "you're single and 30? i know another person who is single and 30!"

1:28 PM
yeah, i have noticed that people do that to me too
at the last CCBA happy hour dave tyson wanted to set me up with some guy who he described as "very attractive and very into fitness"
does that sound like me and/or my type?

me
1:28 PM
HAHAHAHAHA

1:28 PM
the basis was something like, "we talked about travel and he likes to travel too"

me
1:28 PM
oh noooooo... i am laughing out loud.

1:29 PM
who DOESN'T like to travel?

me
1:29 PM
HAHAHAHAHA right?!?!? that's what i'm saying!!!
my friend erin was like "i know this guy i see at mass."

1:29 PM
i mean, who really wants to sit home instead of going somewhere new? that is the dumbest self-stated hobby ever

me
1:29 PM
great... sounds like my dream man
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH
i hate to travel. the world sucks.

1:30 PM
omg i know
that's like when people say, "i am really into food"
oh, food? your basic survival need?
ME TOO!!!!!!

me
1:30 PM
HAHAHAHA
the funniest part is i can hear you voice saying "me too!!!" in my head.

1:31 PM
hahaha i'm trying not to crack up
why not just say, "i like drinking water" or "i drive a car"
we probably have those things in common too

me
1:31 PM
i breathe air
i use the bathroom

1:31 PM
EXACTLY

1:31 PM
it really makes me want to reply with "oh, food? food sucks. i avoid it like the plague"

Double Blind

Thursday, July 11, 2013

You know what is really uncomfortable? Going on a blind date. Weirdly, after having not been out on any sort of date in well over a year, I am going on not one, but two blind dates in the next few days. When it rains it pours, right?

The first one I'm going on is tomorrow night. A woman I know who works for a dance school north of here messaged and asked if I would be interested in meeting a young Catholic guy she knows. Now, I absolutely hate dating. Does anyone like it really? But I've come to feel that, within reason, you should give everyone a chance. You never know. If they're recommended by someone I trust, then I'm fairly certain they will not turn out to be a serial killer. And you'll never meet anyone if you don't go out and meet anyone, right? My friend and her husband and this guy are meeting me halfway between our cities for dinner tomorrow night. I'm glad it's not totally a blind blind date, in that Erin and her husband will be there. But I'm at that point where I'm already nervous, I don't know what to wear, etc. You know how it is.

Wednesday evening I'm going on an actual blind date (like "he'll meet you at the bar!") at a local pizza place with a guy recommended by a girl I know and really like. Once again, I'm already nervous, etc. WHAT do you talk to these people about? I am seriously envisioning myself and this dude sitting there and staring at each for lack of anything to talk about. Ugh. I really understand why it is advised that you develop a friendship with someone before you start dating them. Because then you've been yourself all along and you would know exactly what to talk about.

Who knows... one of these guys could be the one! The only thing I'm sure of is that at least one of them isn't. :)

Speaking of, further complicating the fun blind dates is my teeny crush ("teeny") on this guy I know and am actually friends with. GAH. This is my life. :) I  mean, that's another topic for another day... how do you know if someone LIKE likes you?

Now that this post has devolved into being written by a 12-year-old, it's time to go.

Seven Quick Takes: Holiday Edition!

Friday, July 5, 2013


Linking up with the fabulous Jen and Company today!

1. You know what makes me smile sometimes? Thinking about how Jesus had a BFF and it was Peter. The reality is, we're not meant to  be alone, we're meant to have friends. And even Jesus had a bro. :)

2. I sincerely hope other people know this too to make me feel less nerdy, but every Fourth of July and New Years Eve/Day the Syfy channel shows a marathon of The Twilight Zone. Those are two of my favorite things: marathons of the same TV show, and that show being The Twilight Zone. I LOVE THE TWILIGHT ZONE. I will seriously plan ahead and watch the marathon all.day. even though I have basically seen every episode. And not only have I seen every episode, but, well... I actually apparently don't even have to see the screen anymore to know what episode is on. I was standing in the kitchen last night washing dishes when a new one came on; I heard about, oh, three seconds of the opening, which was just some UFO-sounding noises, and I was like "Oh, this is the one where there are seven people and a bus driver in the diner, but the driver said there were only six people on the bus when they loaded and the police are convinced an alien spaceship crashed and they have to determine which person is the alien and not a real person." Honestly there aren't any I haven't seen. In related news, is anyone aware of any contests that are taking nominations for super cool people?

3. Today is awesome because I do not have to work. Obvs the Fourth of July was yesterday, but our boss gave us off today too. That is so awesome because I am so thankful to have a little mini-vacation this summer. Thanks Jack!

4. I have spoken before about my lack of desire (to put it mildly) to do laundry. I now have another confession to make: I finally broke down last night and told myself I HAD to put my dry, clean laundry away. In the pile, amongst other things, were a sweatshirt dress, a sweater, several pairs of jeans and pants, all of my boot socks and eight pairs of tights. When is the last time you think I wore a sweatshirt dress, tights and boots? Um, yeah, it appears as though I have honestly not put laundry away since APRIL. Is there a support group for this sort of thing?

5. Yesterday my family played a game called Imaginiff. It is SO much fun. Basically you write the names of all the players on the board, then you roll the die, land on a player's name, and the question is about that player. A sample question would be something like: "Imaginiff PLAYER were a character from Batman, which would she/he be?" and then six choices are listed. Each player puts down the number of their choice, and the people who have the most matching numbers win. A few of the cards, however, are set up a different way. One of those cards would be like: "Imaginiff life was a nursery rhyme. Who is  most likely to be Humpty Dumpty?"and then everyone chooses one player. While playing yesterday, I was reminded that a year or so ago my family was playing this game, and the question came up: "Imaginiff you were eating and some food fell on the floor. Which player is most likely to eat food off the floor?" The unanimous response: Anna. Thanks guys. It's important to remember that there are seven people in my family, including two brothers, but the one thing I'm certain they all agree on about me is that I'm likely to eat food off the floor.

6. You may remember that this time last year, my dad went out on a ladder during a storm (a derecho I think it was called) and fell off, breaking his leg in two places and requiring major surgery. You may also like to know that yesterday, while it was raining on the Fourth of July, this is where we found my dad:


7. July 5, 2013 is the one-year anniversary of the very best day of my life. You can read about it here. Suffice it to say, I've thought about how blessed I was by this surgery every single day since the event happened, usually multiple times a day. The Almighty has done great things for me, and holy is His name. 


The Marys

Thursday, July 4, 2013

When you think about Jesus or the Bible and someone says "Mary" usually one of two things will come to mind: Mary the mother of Christ or Mary Magdalene. One Mary is the woman we should all strive to be, but who is the other Mary?

I would argue she's the woman we should all strive to be as well.

We all know that Mary, Jesus' mother, was born without sin and is the model for all womanhood. Mary Magdalene, however, was born a regular person. She was born with original sin, and she continued to sin throughout her life... because she was a regular person. Some historians even say she was a prostitute, although maybe she wasn't, but even if she wasn't, she was still a sinner. Mary Magdalene, I'm sure, made mistakes she regretted, felt horrible about them, and then probably made the same mistakes again. Even after she met Jesus, I'm sure she still made mistakes and committed sins she regretted.

The thing about her that we need to remember most is that she had faith. She believed in Jesus and she followed him. She was present at his feet when he taught, and she was present at his feet when he died. Did her relationship with Jesus make her a perfect person? No it didn't. It made her a sinner who knew she sinned and knew she needed Jesus.

I often like to think of Mary Magdalene because I, too, am a perpetual sinner. I have done things I'm ashamed of and things I'd never want people to know about. I sin every day and some sins are the same ones committed over and over, although I wish they were not. The important part is not to let the sin define me or allow the guilt to take over. The important part is to follow Mary Magdalene's example and acknowledge I'm a sinner and sit at the feet of Jesus and ask for help.

I'll never be a perfect person. I'll let myself down and fall short on mostly a daily basis. But God doesn't expect us to be perfect; he expects us to own up to our shortcomings and failures and remember that we can only rely on him. When Anna is in charge of Anna's life, nothing goes right. But when God is in charge of Anna's life, there is peace.

7 Quick Takes Friday: Hopeful but also Not-So-Hopeful Edition

Friday, June 21, 2013


Linking up with Jen and Company today!

1. Am I the only person that now thinks this is what Kim and Kanye's baby looks like after hearing her name:

I mean really. North West. REALLY.

2. I've come to realize something about myself lately: I tend to anticipate the worst. I feel like I'm generally optimistic, but in some situations I anticipate the absolute worst-case scenario. I've also found that those situations usually involve something I feel strongly about or some matter of the heart. (Don't they always?) And when I anticipate the worst, my heart tells me to avoid whatever situation I think is going to be the one that dashes all my dreams and breaks my heart. I've come to call this the "Golden Ticket" theory. Allow me to explain: in "Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory," Charlie Bucket wants a golden ticket really badly. He's a poor kid, of course, never had much luck, but really believes that he'll finally find a golden ticket. One night he goes to sleep after four of the five tickets have been found, still believing he will get the final one. However, his grandparents and parents see on the news that night that the final golden ticket has been found. The wonder if they should wake Charlie, but Grandpa Joe says no, they should let him have one more good night's sleep still hoping. (Unbeknownst to them, of course, Charlie is awake and hears.) The Golden Ticket Theory... the thing that causes me to avoid a situation where I think I'll see or find out something that will break my heart and I'll lose hope. I just want one more good night's sleep where I'm still hoping.

3. The Taliban want peace talks. Okay. As positive as that sounds, I have to admit that if I were Afghan president Karzai I am truly unsure whether or not I'd open my doors for that meeting. I think I'd be afraid I was marching to my death in a conference room.

4. So, as most know, I am the director of a local non-profit dance school and performing company. This isn't my "real job," nor does it pay. I work full-time for a magazine and I also work full-time running the studio. Needless to say, it is not always easy. Don't get me wrong, I love my students with a fierceness that I can't describe, but sometimes it can get exhausting when parents are yelling at you or everyone has an excuse why they have to miss rehearsal, etc. Just the general stress of running the place and paying the bills can be hard. About three weeks ago, my best friend Melissa, who is also the assistant director of the studio, and I were having a really tough time. We were concerned about the future of the studio and if we were doing the right thing for ourselves, our families, the students, etc. Mel and I had been praying so hard -- God please just tell us what the best thing is. I also told God that I'm stupid, I don't get subtleties or read signs, so if He could just hand write me a note and let me know what to do, that would be most appreciated. So Tuesday evening of our rehearsal week before our spring show, I arrived home from being at the studio for about five hours, and saw that someone had pushed something through my mail slot. It was a letter from the mother of my former best friend (we had grown up dancing together) and the mother was like my mother and we are still close. Her letter pretty much said that she knows how hard it is to run the studio, but that we are preparing our kids for life, not just dance. And (here's where it gets good) God sees what we're doing and approves of it.

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I. got. a. letter. from. God. Now I'm spoiled and I think God is going to write me letters to answer all of the prayers I have.

5. Speaking of, I really need to discipline myself to understand that over-thinking things does not equal praying about them. I can so over-think something that I get in my own way, end up being super-awkward and then over-thinking my awkward behaviour and the cycle starts again. Let me tell you something, I will be 29 years old in less than a month, but in some situations (fine, matters of the heart) I am 28 going on 12.

6. Matters of the heart. The worst. Let's agree to agree. I'd rather fold all my laundry than struggle with a heart matter. Blah. The hardest part is that they are so hard to control. Feelings are hard to control because you don't choose them, they just happen. And then you're left there in the parking lot wondering what in the hell just happened? And you kind of want to ask God to please just take it away because YOU DO NOT WANT TO DEAL WITH THIS. Mostly because IT. IS. SCARY. (See take #2.)

7. Sometimes you really need to keep this in mind:




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