Let It Be Done in Me

It was exactly four years ago that I found myself sitting at a stoplight in the darkness of Friday rush hour in Sandy Springs, Georgia. I had just left school and was on my way to Target in search of two things: a pregnancy test and a special gift to announce to Joe we were expecting our first baby. I had taken a pregnancy test early that very morning, before school, but hadn’t shared the outcome with anyone. And I wanted another one — or two — to be sure. As I sat at that red light, so many thoughts were rushing through my head: fear, excitement, disbelief. A song came on the radio, one I had never heard before but found out was Amy Grant’s “Breath of Heaven.” If you haven’t heard the song, it tells the Christmas story from Mary’s perspective. As I listened, not yet knowing I was expecting the son who would be Bert, not knowing all that Joe and I would be called to experience as his parents, one section of lyrics really embedded themselves into my heart:

Do You wonder as You watch my face
If a wiser one should have had my place
But I offer all I am
For the mercy of your plan
Help me be strong
Help me be
Help me

Little did I know – LITTLE did I KNOW – how many times over Bert’s short life I would continue to say those same words to God over and over.

And now, another Advent brings another pregnancy, another baby boy – and another diagnosis to face. Many of you know we are expecting our third son in late January, but most do not know that this entire pregnancy has been fraught with fear and questioning. This summer brought a possible diagnosis of Down Syndrome, then early fall suggested perhaps a hole in the baby’s heart. November brought conclusive evidence of what is truly going on with our son: skeletal dysplasia, more commonly known as dwarfism.

 
Many of you probably have lots of questions, and the truth is, so do we. We won’t know what specific kind our son has until he is born and undergoes a genetic test. But what we do understand at this time is that this is not the result of anything in my genes or Joe’s; rather, it is the result of a rare, spontaneous gene mutation that occurs in early pregnancy. This is the second time Joe and I have had a child whose diagnosis, frankly, scares people or makes them uncomfortable, specifically other parents. As humans, we want reasons for things. We want to know why. And, in cases like Bert’s and our new son’s, people want to know why because they want to be able to point to something that is different about our family to ensure that the same thing won’t happen to their family. But the truth is, Bert’s Cerebral Palsy has no known cause, and this baby’s dwarfism is also not the result of anything we had control over as his parents. 

Trust me, Joe and I have been asking God “Why?” for many weeks, months, and years now. And the truth is, we don’t know, and, on this side of Heaven, we likely never will. It’s hard for us, sometimes, to look around at families who have two, three, four, five, six children who are all able-bodied. (Please know that I am aware that not all disabilities are visible, but I do hope you understand what I’m saying.) I understand that parenting of any kind is hard. Every child is a unique creation who has his or her own challenges, strengths, and issues. Nothing about parenting is easy. But as the parent of two disabled children, I do have to tell you that this is just a little bit harder. It’s physically harder, but perhaps more, it is spiritually, mentally, and emotionally harder. Joe and I don’t feel that we are special parents in any way. We don’t feel any stronger, any more equipped, any more qualified to parent our specific children. My brother Thomas, however, did mention something that I have kept in my heart since he said it, and that is that in our family, God knew that this child would be loved. And that is something I know to be true. Joe and I aren’t wealthy, we aren’t superhuman, we aren’t infinitely patient – but what we absolutely can do for our son is love him, and therefore give him the chance to live. We will carry him, labor him, deliver him, and raise him with all the love that we can. 

I do not know why we have two disabled children. I do not believe that this was the result of God’s plan, but I do believe that God has a plan for my children. (If you don’t understand the difference between those two things, please ask me. I’d be glad to talk about it with you.) He is infinitely good and all good things come from Him. And as we approach the Christmas season, something occurred to me that I've been thinking about constantly. Every Christmas Eve, my family of origin watches the movie A Christmas Carol, the version starring George C. Scott as Scrooge. In that movie, as in the novel, there is a scene in which Scrooge, accompanied by the Ghost of Christmas Present, invisibly watches the Cratchit family on Christmas Day. Bob Cratchit has just returned home from church with Tiny Tim, and Mrs. Cratchit asks Bob how Tim behaved. Bob replies that he behaved very well, and goes on to say: 

“He told me, coming home, that he hoped the people saw him in the church, because he was a cripple, and it might be pleasant for them to remember, on Christmas, Who it was that made lame beggars walk and blind men see.”

Although I do not know why this is all happening the way it is, all I can think is that maybe God will use my sons to remind others Who it was that made lame beggars walk and blind men see. Perhaps people will look at my family and be reminded that everyone – regardless of how they look, regardless of how or if they speak, regardless of their age or health status – is created in the image of God. Perhaps people will look at my children and be reminded Who it was that made lame beggars walk and blind men see – be reminded of Jesus. As a mother, could I ask for more? 

As we begin this Advent season, the phrase that I have been holding on to is “Fiat Mihi”; it’s Latin for “Let it be done in me,” which is what Mary says to the angel Gabriel in Luke’s Gospel after he has told her what God would like her to do. I think about Mary, how she couldn’t have seen the future, not been able to fully see everything that God was asking of her, but how she said yes anyways – “Let it be done in me.” I end all my prayers to God with that same thought. I do not know why God is asking this of me, I certainly cannot see the future and everything that this request will include, but all I can say – with faith – is “Fiat Mihi.” Let it be done in me.

If you could, please pray for our family. Pray for Bert who, with his own disability, has been called to be the fearless leader of this band of brothers. Pray for Hank who by the world’s standards is our “normal” child, but who in this family is the “different” one. If you know Bert and Hank, you know they have always been strangely tall and large. Joe is 6’ tall, and of slight build, and both of our fathers are only about 5’7” or 5’8”, so there really aren’t any big people in our families. But perhaps Bert and Hank were created to be so big because God knew He would call them to be defenders and protectors. Pray for our newest son that he will grow to be strong. And pray for Joe and me, too, as we endeavor to raise these children God has entrusted us with. 

Since Bert was little, we have had a lot of paperwork to fill out, and a question that has come up time and again is what our hope is for him. For a long time, we didn’t know what to say. How does a parent sum up their hope for their child in a line or two? But then we figured it out, and it has been our statement about Bert and then Hank, and now it will be for our new son as well. Our hope for them all is this: We hope that they realize the fullness of who God created them to be and that they recognize their purpose in serving God and other people. 

“Now we see through a glass, darkly. But then we will see everything with perfect clarity. All that I know now is partial and incomplete, but then I will know everything completely, just as God now knows me completely.” – 1 Corinthians 13:12 

“The Lord gives, and the Lord takes away; blessed be the name of the Lord.” – Job 1:21

“I prayed for this child, and the Lord has given me what I asked of Him. Now I, in turn, give him to the Lord. For his whole life he will be given over to the Lord.” – 1 Samuel 1:27-28

Bert

Our son Robert David has been hearing since the hour he was born about all the things that are “wrong” with him: as a newborn, he had the wrong body temperature, the wrong blood sugar level, the wrong amount of bilirubin in his body, the wrong amount of red blood cells in his blood, and the wrong hearing. As he grew, he learned that he was behind in sitting, crawling, transitioning, clapping, standing, cruising, talking, and walking. 

What we know about Bert is that he excels in areas that are not measured at doctors’ offices or on growth charts. Bert is funny, silly, kind, friendly, loving, and personable. He can signal a touchdown, fake sneeze, blow a kiss, and point out his Pap Pap in a picture. Bert loves to dance, look out an open window, and play outside. 

Bert was recently diagnosed with spastic diplegia, which is a common form of Cerebral Palsy. CP is a physical disability that affects movement. This means that he has increased muscle tone in his legs, making his leg muscles stiff. Consequently, his movements may appear stiff or awkward. Cerebral Palsy is caused by a brain injury. As Bert’s physical therapist has said, his legs contain normal muscles that are receiving an abnormal message. Some children with CP have accompanying issues such as seizures, learning differences, and speech and language difficulties. We don’t yet know if Bert will experience any of those things. In most cases, CP is caused by a brain injury that occurs during pregnancy. We do not know what caused Bert’s CP, and it is likely we will never know. A wonderful thing is that CP is not degenerative, which means although his symptoms might manifest differently in the future, his brain cannot get worse. Another positive thing is that Bert’s neurologist has said that Bert is “bright and happy” and that he is “doing great.” 

Right now, Bert has no idea that he is different. All he knows is that he has “dinosaur shoes” (one foot in an SMO and one in an AFO) that will make him “strong like a dinosaur.” He knows that he and his best friend Asha both have stiff leg muscles and a hard time walking. He knows that he and his best friend Jane Austen move through the world in exactly the same way: with four limbs on the ground. (Although Bert is slowly learning to walk on his two legs!) 

While we don’t know what Cerebral Palsy means for Bert — every child who has CP presents in a different way, and it’s impossible for doctors to predict what life will be like for Bert 5, 10, 15 years from now — we know what it DOESN’T mean. It doesn’t mean that he will never go to Catholic school, play football, get married, or run in the backyard with his dogs. 

As Bert’s family and friends, here is what we need from you:

- Please do not speak about Bert’s future any differently. If you have always talked about Bert playing football for the Mountaineers, going skiing, or being an astronaut, please keep saying those things to him and about him. It’s not fair to limit the dreams of a child, especially one who is not yet two. There are lots of athletes, actors, and artists who have CP. 

- Please do not treat Bert any differently than you would if he didn’t have CP. Bert does not need extra toys or gifts, and he needs to learn manners and be lovingly disciplined. Treating him differently is not fair to him, to us, or, especially, to his not-yet-born baby brother. 

- If you have children or know children around Bert’s age, please start talking to them about children who aren’t the same as they are (if you haven’t already). Bert might not walk or run quite the same as his peers, and it would be great if he were surrounded by friends who didn’t care that he was different. There are a lot of great books for this — we’re still discovering them! —  but one we really like is called Giraffes Can’t Dance by Giles Andreae, which is about a giraffe who walks and dances differently than the other animals. We also like a book sent to Bert by his aunts Erin and Emma that is called The World Needs Who You Were Made to Be by Joanna Gaines.

- Don’t read everything on the internet. Many websites about CP are run by law firms that want to help parents sue their birth hospitals or doctors. If you want more information about Bert’s diagnosis, one good website is the Cerebral Palsy Foundation. 

Please pray for Bert. Of course, we’d love a healing miracle (we’re asking for the intercession of Blessed Fulton Sheen), but more importantly we just want Bert to have the best care and the best life. And pray for us, too. Not only do we need prayers to be the best parents we can be for Bert, but also, as you might imagine, it is a little bit scary to think of going back to the hospital to have another baby boy in a few short weeks. 

Thank you for being there for us, for asking about Bert, and for praying for us. Please don’t ever worry about saying the “right” thing — there really is no right thing. We just need you to truly listen and to care. We don’t need toxic positivity (“Everything will be okay! Don’t worry!”) or comparison statements (“You’re lucky it’s not worse!”). If you are a loved one who has a child or is expecting a child or is planning for a child, please don’t hide your child’s milestones from us. Your child sitting, walking, or talking doesn’t take anything from Bert, and we will celebrate your child’s accomplishments with you. 

We are blessed in so many ways: among many other things, we have wonderful family and friends, we have the knowledge and desire to care for Bert, we have the resources and support to help provide Bert with what he needs, we have wonderful doctors and therapists, Bert has a mother who is a teacher and knows other educators, and we have a close family member (Emma) who has a master’s degree in recreational therapy and knows exactly how to help Bert enjoy regular activities.

Our hope is that Bert’s life will be a testimony to — and a reminder of — the One who made lame men walk. 

We really appreciate all of you. Feel free to ask us any questions that you have.

Love,

Joe and Anna 

The Lord gives and the Lord takes away; blessed be the name of the Lord. 

- Job 1:21

I prayed for this child, and the Lord has given me what I asked of Him. 

Now I, in turn, give him to the Lord. For his whole life he will be given over to the Lord.

- 1 Samuel 1:27-28

Well Hey There!

A Midnight Society Christmas story club. A "Backlist Book Club." A holiday gift-giving guide.

These are just a few of the many, many (MANY) ideas I had sketched out, scheduled, and prepared to post on my blog this fall and winter. And then. 

And then ... I found out I was expecting a second baby. And I proceeded to spend most of November and December (and some of January) sick, sick, sick and just trying to survive the absolute bare minimums of my life. Needless to say, writing and following a blogging schedule quickly fell off the list. As sad as that made me, I realized that taking care of myself was the number one priority at that time, and that my blog ideas could easily transfer to the future. 

On top of expecting a new baby, we also recently received some news about our first baby, Bert, and that news brought with it a new list of things to think about and accomplish, so that has really been keeping me occupied over the past few months. I am preparing some words about that and will talk about it soon. 

Now, less than three weeks from my due date, I have finally found a few minutes to type this out and post it. In case there's anyone left out there, I wanted you to know why I've been gone, but that I'm not gone for good. I hope to "see" you soon! 

Morning Smoothies!

Joe and I are moderately healthy people. By that I mean, we try and eat fresh fruits and vegetables and lean meats, but we also eat pizza every Friday, and we love donuts and desserts too. One thing we've talked a lot about recently is how we need to make food-related adjustments now while Bert is still too young to observe what his dad and I eat and how much and when. One of our plans to help with this is to plant a garden of food this spring. We are blessed with a yard that offers ample space to plant, and we have been looking at the types of things we'd like to try and grow. I need to investigate more, but right now we are hoping to grow tomatoes, peppers, cucumbers, strawberries, and herbs of all kinds. (We already have TWO pear trees that offer an ABUNDANCE of fruit. Sadly, pears are low on the fruit favorites list for Joe and me, but we are learning to like them. They'll also make great baby food!) I have a hope that we won't have to buy as much produce from the store and instead can go outside and gather lots of things we need. I also have a dream of Bert playing in the dirt, helping plant and harvest the garden, and picking all his summertime snacks straight off the vine.

One thing I thought of that would help us get more nutrients is to have a smoothie with or for breakfast. I don't know about you guys, but sometimes my food plans for the day can go by the wayside for any number of factors, no matter how much I plan, but starting the day with a healthy smoothie at least guarantees that we've had some sort of serving of fruits and vegetables in a day. I've made smoothies in the past, and one thing I've learned is there's really no "recipe." But here's what I've been playing with that I like:

- Plain Greek yogurt (This is the "liquid" base for ours. I love Greek yogurt! It is low in sugar and high in protein. We just use the Great Value brand for the sake of economy. I just put "some" in. If I had to guess, maybe half a cup? I don't know, I'm poor at physical estimation.)

- Half a banana (This is great for us because I only like bananas that are green, but smoothies are a great place for bananas that are a little past their snacking prime. No waste!)

- Whatever fruit we have on hand (We always have fresh apples, red grapes, strawberries, and blueberries. Lately I've also been buying frozen mango, raspberries, and peach slices. It's fun to play with the combos to figure out what you like!)

- A handful of spinach (Yep! I pluck the stems off of ours and just toss it in! You can't taste it at all, and think of the nutrients!)

AND THAT'S IT! If I don't use frozen fruit, then I'll add a couple ice cubes because we like them really cold. But you don't have to! And if I feel like it's a little too thick, then I'll add in a splash of almond milk.

I'm hoping to add more things in the future, like maybe some kale or a splash of elderberry syrup. (The other day I bought some off of a neighbor who makes herself, and I'm really excited. I plan to make some gummies with it, so I'll let you know how that goes when I do it!)

Some fruit combos we've been liking are strawberry/mango and blueberry/peach. But I really can't see you going wrong with any fruit combo! I'll usually toss a handful of grapes into every smoothie. We've been doing our morning smoothie for several days, and Joe told me this morning that his (maybe about 12 oz.?) smoothie fills him up till about 2:00 p.m. Wow!

Right now I use a simple Ninja that my aunt got me, which works just fine, but I'm looking into buying a blender (we don't have one) that's geared toward smoothies to see if I can make them just a little more smooth!

As an aside, one thing that has been absolutely LIFE CHANGING in terms of us eating more fruits and veggies is that -- if it's a snacking-type food -- I wash and cut it up as soon as I get it home from the store. We don't have cartons of strawberries or blueberries or random bags of baby carrots or grapes lying in the fridge. I bring these things home, wash them and cut them up (if applicable), then store them. Yes, it's more work up front for sure, but I am willing to spend the extra 15 minutes up front for the ease of grabbing them for smoothies, to put in yogurt or fruit salad or lunches, or as snacks. SO MUCH EASIER and so much more likely we'll eat them and they won't go bad. 

Let me know if you have any great smoothie ideas!

2020 Vision

I hope you all have had a great holiday season and are having a wonderful start to the new year. If I could categorize our holiday season, one word I would have to use is busy. Of course, many people have busy holiday seasons, but ours seemed particularly tough this year as we navigated two 8-hour car rides to West Virginia (Thanksgiving and Christmas) with both our infant and our two dogs. Complicating matters was that Joe was out of town at his company's annual national meeting the week before Christmas, so I was home alone with Bert for an extended period of time, trying to get us all ready to travel.

First Christmas as a family of three!

Truly, we have been completely out of routine since before Thanksgiving. As much as we've enjoyed seeing our families and friends and celebrating a beautiful holiday season, we are also so happy to be home in our house, getting back in to regular life and cozy-ing up for the winter.

2019 was an extremely challenging year for our family. Of course, it was the best year ever in regards to the birth of our son, but moving to a new state and starting a new job was really, really hard on me and took a toll on my physical, mental, and spiritual health. We also bought our first house, had our first baby, and dealt with our son's post-birth health complications. This time last year I spent every non-school hour in bed, dealing with the sickness that often comes with the first trimester of pregnancy. So, in a lot of ways last year, we were just trying our best to survive. For a while we lived in what Jennifer Fulwiler calls "bare minimum mode" where you basically do the bare minimum it takes to survive. While there are seasons of life where this is exactly the place you should be in, I also know that it's important to not live in bare minimum mode.

Our 9 of 2019.

Joe and I got home from traveling December 30, so we spent New Year's Eve and Day in our new home. I'm glad we did so because by the time New Year's Eve rolled around, we had unpacked from our trip and started some laundry and were beginning to get the pieces of our lives back together. We decided we were not making any New Year's Resolutions. We have never really done this, and we're okay with it because it's easy for a person like me to miss a day of journaling/exercising/not eating cookies or whatever and then feel like a COMPLETELY HORRIBLE PERSON for failing that day. So, no good. Instead, after we went to Mass and put Bert to bed, we ate some appetizers and had a couple of drinks and made some goals for our family. Some things we'd like to work to accomplish in 2020. What really helped was we used this printout that allowed us to organize our goals by category. We feel really good about the manageable and measurable goals we came up with. We tried to be as realistic as possible. For example, while we'd like to take a neighborhood walk with Bert every night, we know that there are nights Joe will get home late, or it will be raining, or we just won't feel like it. So instead, our goal is to take two family walks per week. If we do more, GREAT! But we feel confident we can accomplish two. One important thing we decided was to check in with each other once a month to evaluate how our goals are going. I think that this will really help us stay on track and feel good about where our family is.

Our simple and cozy New Year's Eve.

One exciting goal for ourselves this year is we have decided to try and take on the 52 Hike Challenge. Joe LOVES the outdoors, and I like the outdoors, and we want our son to love being outside, too. So we've decided to take a family hike once per week in a new location each week. We use the term "hike" loosely because we have a 5-month-old son who cannot sit up, let alone walk, so he has to be pushed in a stroller. When he's able to sit up on his own, Joe will carry him in this really cool backpack his sister gave us when Bert was born. We are adapting this goal to fit our family, and we are excited to do it! We took our first family hike today, and we are so happy we spent a couple hours outdoors exploring somewhere new. 

Our first family hike of the year at the Gwinnett Environmental Heritage Center. Bert clearly had a blast.

I also used Jennifer Fulwiler's "Word of the Year" generator to get our family word for the year: Dream. I am really excited about this word because I've been telling Joe a bunch over the last year that we need to have more dreams for our family: places we'd like to go and things we'd like to do and accomplish over the course of our lives. (Basically, right now all we have is retire and follow College GameDay around to every location for the entire season. Which is an awesome goal, but it's the only one we've got!) I feel like this word was perfectly assigned to us this year. 

Our family's word for the year.

Along with our family goals, an individual goal I have this year is to be less judgmental of people and work harder to understand where they are coming from and what their motivations are. 

We were in bare minimum mode for a lot of 2019, but we are not there anymore. We are working as a family and as individuals to grow and learn and take care of our physical, mental, and spiritual health  so we can be better spouses, parents, children, and friends.

There is always excitement in the new year, but, for me at least, there is always a little fear too. Fear of the unknown and of what "might" happen. But I pray to understand that things will always happen, and that God did not give us a spirit of fear but of power, love, and self-control.

I pray that you and your family will have a blessed, joyful, healthy, and magic 2020.

Month Four.

It is hard to believe that it is already December and Advent is upon us. It's equally hard for me to believe that tomorrow Bert will be four months old. It's a cliche, but it is for a reason, that time flies. The time between Bert's birth in early August and now seems like it has gone by in a blur, but it also seems like so much time has passed. I can't figure out when we switched from short sleeve onesies to survive the heat to long sleeve fleece sleepers and coats when we go outside. It's never one day, it seems, but a series of moments: first you exchange your shorts for sweatpants, then you put away your flats and pull on your boots, then you find a cardigan, then your winter coat. A series of shifts so light they almost don't seem perceivable until you open your eyes one morning and realize you've turned your heat on and it's cold when you get out of the shower.

We have settled into a routine here, in a manner of speaking. I'm still very much baby-led: Bert eats when he's hungry and sleeps when he's tired, and in between we read, play, stretch, sing, go to the library, get our groceries, and run errands. We are blessed that Bert is mostly a cheerful, easygoing little fella. How his life started seems to have left no permanent mark on him, or, if it has, I pray that the mark it left is remembering how his parents never left him and how many people love him.

For myself, I am doing all right and try and take things day by day. I have not experienced the sadness and hopelessness that can accompany post-partum depression, but I have realized these last couple of months that my post-partum symptom is anger. I am quick to get angry and quick to stay angry, and I have a short temper. I really hold on to offenses and am unable to forgive and forget. The worst part is I'm the kind of person who, when I get angry about one thing, easily slides into recalling all the reasons I am angry until I am just one big ball of uncontrollable anger. I don't think this is my traditional behavior, but I have absolutely recognized it in myself these past weeks. I am not proud of it. I wish it weren't so. I do my best to control it, but sometimes (frequently) I fail miserably. I know it is taking a toll on Joe, and I'm sure it's taking a toll on my other family members and friends and probably randoms in the community that come into contact with me, too. Sometimes when I think about it I feel overwhelming guilt and quickly begin to beat myself up. The guilt compounds the anger, and I'm right back to where I started. I wish I could say that I'll start counting my blessings and realizing how lucky I am in life and that would take the anger away, but I know that it might not. So instead I'm trying to do those things while also taking life on a moment-by-moment basis and giving myself space and permission to mess up.

I think that because I was fortunate to recover physically pretty quickly from Bert's birth that I really didn't and haven't given myself time to fully recover in other ways. I know Bert is four months old now, but on the other hand Bert is only four months old. And this also corresponds with the holiday season which brings its own stress. I know in America it seems we give mothers three months to get it together, but I promise you that it's not possible. At the end of three months, at least in our case over here, it seems I finally got into a semblance of a routine and caught up on life and just now am becoming able to tackle my own mental and emotional health and coming to terms with the fact that I had a baby. And I'm not teaching this year after all I went through to become a teacher. And all my friends and family live 500 miles away. And I've got laundry to do and a house to clean and groceries to buy and dinners to make. And am I a good mother and I'm still Joe's wife not just a mom and oh my gosh did we forget about the dogs because they're our family too and I'm pretty sure there's a Palmetto bug over there and how do I always forget to buy nail polish remover and holy crap Christmas cards.

Some of you may be reading this and rolling your eyes and internally chastising me for being a complainer. You may be thinking that so many people have it so much harder than I do, and man, you'd be so right. As I said before I do try to remember how fortunate I am, but sometimes I really come up short. So sometimes all I can do is share how I am honestly feeling and continue to pray for the grace and strength to do better.

Whatever you're struggling with this season, I'd be happy to pray for you. One thing I have learned for sure is that everyone (E V E R Y O N E) has something they're worried about, that is causing them stress, or that is exhausting them. Maybe your particular battle and mine are two different battles. Perhaps you're praying for the very thing that I have. Perhaps you don't even know why you're so tired or angry or upset. But remember: we all carry weight differently. Your burden might seem easy to carry to someone else, but you carry it differently. And that's okay.

Some beautiful photos of our family recently captured by the practically-perfect-in-every-way Maggie!

In the Morning

I just learned this morning that today is World Mental Health Day. Honestly, I wish every day were World Mental Health Day, as I think that we would all be a lot better off if we considered our mental health as important as our physical health. I think we would all be a lot better off if we treated mental illnesses as seriously as we treat physical illnesses like cancer. I think we would all be a lot better off if we felt as comfortable saying "I have an appointment with my therapist" as we do saying "I have an appointment with my dentist." I've written about mental health before, most recently concerning Bert's birth here.

After finding out about today being devoted to mental health, I thought it would be a perfect time to write about something I've been thinking about a lot lately, and that's what advice I would give a new mom. Let me say first that there is NO END to the amount of information out there that is available to new moms. Let me rephrase that and say: pretty much there is NO END to the amount of people out there who feel the need to tell you what you should be doing or should not be doing or questioning you or your methods. Truly, your mother, mother-in-law, neighbor, best friend, that lady at church, that woman at moms' group, granny in the grocery store, blogger on the internet (ahem), and random dude without kids "but I have two nephews!" (<-- true story) all have opinions about what you should do or not do.

And to that I say, Blessed are they who keep their mouths shut, for they will be able to visit baby Bert. :)

(I should also say at this time that the person in my life who is likely most qualified to give advice but who has truly kept her mouth shut unless explicitly asked for her input is my mom. Maybe I'll write more about that later since I have really appreciated that.)

The two best pieces of advice I have gotten are from my good friends and fellow moms of littles, Maggie and Catherine:

Maggie -- You are your baby's mom, and you know what's best.
Catherine -- Don't read anything on the internet.

So, with that in mind, I am going to tell you my advice for new moms whose babies aren't mine, and I'm going to do it here on the internet haha. But in all truthfulness, if asked for my input, and with today being World Mental Health Day, this is what I would tell any new mom:

Things always look better in the morning. 

My hardest times mentally so far as a mother have been during overnight feedings with Bert. I'm awake and alone, I am completely exhausted, it's dark, I have no one to talk to. Those things create the perfect conditions in which a storm of anger, doubt, and depression brews. When I think back over the past two months of mothering Bert to the times I've felt most hopeless, angry, and sad, they have mostly all been while breastfeeding him at 2:30 a.m., 3:45 a.m. or 5:15 a.m. Those are the times when I've thought to myself that I can't do this, that I'm a terrible mother, and that I am just so upset and sad. Those are the times when the anger inside me gets stirred up to a point that I just want to scream.

I do think it's important to deal with the underlying causes of those feelings and to talk to someone who can help. (I do.) But I would also say that in the morning when the sun is up and I've showered and had a coffee, those feelings that I had overnight seem so much more manageable. Even if the next night it all happens again -- and those feelings are very real -- I can tell myself that everything so far points to things feeling more manageable in the morning. And that gives me hope.

So if you are a new mom -- or honestly, any kind of person because I think this could really apply to anyone -- that is the advice I would give you: Things always look better in the morning.

That, and you are your baby's mom, and you know what's best, so don't read anything on the internet. :)

When you find yourself freaking out, picture Bert looking at you like this. "As if!"

Grief ... It Just Is.

The son of a family member by marriage recently had his own son. We've never met the son or the new baby, but we love the grandmother, and we are so happy for her and her family. The new baby is about a month younger than Bert, and we've gotten to see a couple pictures of him.

A few days ago, Joe came home from work and, as we were talking, he suddenly told me he had a new photo that he wanted to show me. The photo was of the father of the new baby, shirtless and holding his new son skin-to-skin in the hospital.

Joe said, "I guess at this hospital they have the dads do that -- take off their shirts and hold the baby."

I couldn't respond. Because without me even realizing it or even any warning, I immediately started tearing up. I opened and closed my mouth a couple times, trying not to lose it, and Joe's face changed as he suddenly realized,

"... I was supposed to do that, wasn't I?"

I nodded.

"... But I couldn't because ..."

I nodded again. And the tears came.

As I wrote about here, there are a lot of things we didn't get to do with Bert when he was born because of his health issues. As I wrote about in that same post, I figured out that my post-partum healing would not be nearly as physical as it would be emotional and mental, coming to terms with what happened. Overall, I think I'm doing pretty well. But something I've also realized in all of this is that grief comes and goes in waves, it's not a straight line at all.

I think we usually associate grief with the death of a loved one, and, yes, that is such indescribably painful grief. But grief can also be associated with other things, such as when what you hoped, expected, or thought would happen in a situation turned out to be the complete opposite.

Some days I feel like I'm doing a good job of working through my grief, and other days some things will happen that just overwhelm me out of nowhere, such as the photo I just talked about or another health issue that Bert is dealing with. At his one-month appointment, Bert was diagnosed with an umbilical granuloma, which when treated, really is no big deal. The odds of getting it are 1 in 500, but as Joe said, if it's some crazy thing with crazy odds, Bert will get it. The granuloma was treated on Thursday, and we followed the instructions about giving it 24 hours, pulling the band aid off, and checking it. When I checked it Friday, I thought it still didn't look right, and it still had discharge coming from it. I called the nurse line at our pediatrician and left a message, and late Friday afternoon we got a call back that we'd need to take him to the Saturday sick clinic at one of our practice's other locations to be checked out and likely re-treated.

Like I said, this honestly is no big deal right now. But finding out that Bert had another health thing that required another "emergency" doctor's appointment hit me hard. It just took me right back to all the things that happened in the past five weeks of his life, and the overwhelming emotion this time wasn't sadness, it was anger. I told Joe I just feel so, so angry. I'm so angry about what happened to him, and that spiraled into me also being angry about what happened to Joe and me, angry about some things that went on in my own home after Bert was born, angry about something else that happened this summer that's unrelated to Bert's health but that I'm still dealing with, angry that I didn't stand up for myself in some situations like I should have. So right now, I'm angry. I'm angry, and I want a total do-over I won't get.

As I mentioned before, too, I know that life doesn't ever go according to plan, and I know that things could have turned out a lot worse. But I'm not sure in the history of time anyone ever felt better about their feelings after being told it "could have been worse." In reality, I'm pretty sure when someone is told that, all that happens is that they continue to feel their sad/angry/whatever feelings AND they now feel guilty for feeling those feelings, so now they just feel worse overall.

I am just trying to tell myself that grief is a process. Some days are great, some days you're taken right back to the thing or things that make you sad and angry. It's like this graphic that I've seen before:

Source.

Maybe it sounds like I'm whining or like I'm ungrateful for what I have. In reality, I am very grateful for Bert and all of the prayers for him and his current state of health. But, while my physical self is right on target for post-partum healing, my mental and emotional health is still a couple months behind. And you know what? THAT IS OKAY.

So if this is you right now, or past you, or maybe future you, please know that whatever you are feeling ... THAT IS OKAY. For as long as you need to feel it. I pray that you have someone to reach out to to talk to about it, and if not, I am happy to be that person because I understand. Talking about it has really helped me a lot. And if it happened to you five years ago and you still need to talk about it a lot ... THAT IS OKAY.

To be even more transparent, there is no happy ending to this right now. Right now, I'm in the middle of it, so it just is.

Here's a cute picture of Bert, though, because who doesn't love that? 

Mental Health.

When we took Bert to the children's hospital at 4 days old, we sat in the emergency room from about 9 p.m. to almost 6 a.m. After we were finally admitted and taken to a room, Joe and I fed Bert, ate some breakfast ourselves, and, thanks to a very nice nurse, were able to settle in around 8:30-9 a.m. to try and get at least an hour or two of sleep. The next thing I knew, I was being awakened around 10:30 a.m. for what appeared to be a very pressing matter: a lactation consultant wanted to see me. I tried to explain that we had seen a lactation consultant already a couple days earlier and received high marks and Bert was a champion eater, but I was pretty much forced to see this woman anyways. Of course, I was exhausted, worried, and irritated, but I tried to be nice even though I felt like it was a big waste of our time. But something important occurred to me mid-day that same day. 

In our stay at the children's hospital, we saw nurses, pediatricians, and this lactation consultant, but do you know what was never offered to us or even brought up or discussed?

A mental health professional.

Think about it: you have two brand-new parents with a four-day-old baby with many health issues unexpectedly in the children's hospital. The mother of this child already has documented mental health challenges and, like all new mothers, is at risk for post-partum mental health issues as well. To me, it's a no-brainer that some sort of mental health professional should be provided to us as parents. But no one ever came.

According to the Centers for Disease Control, 1 in 9 women experiences post-partum depression. Additionally, these statistics vary by state, so in some states that number is as high as 1 in 5 women. (Source.) Post-partum mental health challenges can lead to everything from hopelessness and irritability to thoughts of harming oneself or one's baby. I think we can all agree that this is such an important issue -- as is general mental health in the United States, not just post-partum -- and it's important to closely monitor all new mothers. I would think maybe it's extra important to monitor mothers whose babies are experiencing scary health issues.

I feel fortunate because having dealt with mental health challenges for years before pregnancy, I already know signs to watch for in myself as well as have medication and a counselor who has known me for almost a year. But what about women who may, thankfully, have never experienced any sort of mental health challenge before and, therefore, don't know what to look for or understand what is going on with them?

I don't know what the solution is, and I don't pretend to. It was just something that hit me after how important it seemed to be to the hospital that I see a lactation consultant, yet my mental health -- and Joe's -- was never discussed or asked about.

Finally home after two hospital stays.

How a Pair of Hoop Earrings Changed My Day.

Yesterday evening I went to the 5:30 mass, which is not my usual service. There was an event at Fatima that started at 6:30, so I decided to just go to mass and then the event. Since Friday, I had been feeling really weird. I don't know how to describe it, and I don't know if you've ever felt this way, but I guess the best way for me to describe it is that I felt raw. Like my whole body was an open wound. I was very, very anxious, which is not a new thing for me, but it comes and goes in terms of severity. As I was praying before mass, I prayed that God would help me feel better because I so desperately wanted to enjoy the event after mass as well as the community service event I had signed up to help with today.

I finished praying, put my kneeler up, and sat in the pew, waiting for mass to start.

Not three minutes later, one of my students came bounding over.

Well, she's not just "one of my students" -- she's probably the most cheerful, positive, and optimistic person I have EVER met.

She came over and said, "Miss Lafferre, I was hoping you'd be at this mass!" So I said, "Oh really? Because, you know, I normally go to the 7:30 on Sundays. I'm hardly ever at this mass." Then she said, "I know, me neither! But when I was putting in my earrings tonight I was thinking about you and hoping you'd be at this mass because I wanted to show them to you. Look, hoops!" (She had recently gotten her ears pierced, and these were her first-ever pair of hoops.)

Really?! Really?!?!

Really.

We chatted for a few more minutes, just about her weekend and life and things, and at one point she said, "You know, I thought about my life, and I realized that there is not one thing I don't like about my life!"

That. is. Magic.

The thing is, this girl doesn't have the "perfect" life. Her parents are divorced, and that is tough for any kid. But she just genuinely likes her life. And maybe you want to argue that she's only 12, what does she know, but I can pretty accurately assure you that when I was 12 I could not and would not have said the same thing.

I told her that what she had is truly a gift. A gift that helps other people when she shares it with them. People like me.

After mass, she, her mom, her grandmother, and I walked across the parking lot to the parish hall to take a look at the event set up since all the classes had created artwork to be auctioned off. My student and I just stood there chatting about events and dressing up and things and at one point she said, "Miss Lafferre, will you come and teach at my high school after I leave Fatima?" And I smiled and told her I'd love to, but I can't be in more than one place at a time. So she said, "We should raise money so we can clone you!"

And I told her that was probably the nicest thing that anyone had ever said to me.

It is rare that I say a prayer to God and then have it answered within minutes. But last night, it was.

The event itself was a lot of fun. My friend Sarah came with me, and I got to sit with one of my coworkers/friends and her family. The only thing that made it tough is that I had to talk to and interact with a lot of my students' parents, and I am just so awkward. Give me a roomful of kids, and I'm good. Give me a roomful of adults, and I say and do the weirdest things. Sigh.

**********************

Today I participated in my first-ever Helpington. I had been wanting to do this for a few years but have always had scheduling conflicts. I knew I was scheduled to work with my friends and their kids, but I was showing up to a new church by myself this morning.

And, as previously stated, I had been feeling really anxious this weekend, and those feelings usually make me want to stay home and, essentially, hide. Hide from the world. But I knew I couldn't do that, so I headed to church at 7:30 with the best attitude I could muster.

Before we began our community service, we had a worship service in church. One of the scriptures the pastor shared was Philippians 2:1-5 (The Message version, which I recognized because Amy shares verses from that version a lot!)

If you’ve gotten anything at all out of following Christ, if his love has made any difference in your life, if being in a community of the Spirit means anything to you, if you have a heart, if you care— then do me a favor: Agree with each other, love each other, be deep-spirited friends. Don’t push your way to the front; don’t sweet-talk your way to the top. Put yourself aside, and help others get ahead. Don’t be obsessed with getting your own advantage. Forget yourselves long enough to lend a helping hand.

Forget yourselves long enough to lend a helping hand.

I really needed to hear that today. And I tried to follow it.

Helpington turned out to be AWESOME, and I had a great time serving alongside my friends Ryan and Jana and their kids and family. I am so, so glad I went.

Essential Oils

There's something I've been considering doing for well over a year now, but I just kept not doing it for one reason or another. However, a couple of weeks ago I finally took the plunge.

And that thing is ...

... essential oils.

I have read several things online about essential oils over the past couple of years, and even went so far as to look around on the doTerra website, but for one reason or another -- cost, mostly, I guess -- I never did it. I even went so far as to register for a customer ID with doTerra back in July, but still never ordered.

But I keep reading Amy's blog and she talks about the benefits of essential oils all the time. In fact, some of her stories almost seemed too good to be true sometimes. I mean honestly ... a drop of peppermint on your temples can cure a headache? Drops of OnGuard on your feet can prevent illnesses? I mean ... REALLY?!

The thing she finally got me with was one called Elevation. (The "joyful blend.") The thing is, I have struggled with anxiety and other issues for several years, and it is especially bad during the winter months (which are almost over praise the Lord!). According to Amy (and doTerra), Elevation is a blend that will elevate mood. I am honestly open to anything on earth that will assist with anxiety issues, especially natural things.

I finally broke down and went to doTerra's website, committed to trying the oils for real this time. However, I was a little bit taken aback at the $49 price tag on the Elevation. What if it didn't work? What if it was too good to be true? I really don't have an extra $49 hanging around, but I really was so interested in trying the oils!

Luckily, I found a "while supplies last" sale on doTerra to buy three of their most popular oils -- peppermint, OnGuard, and Wild Orange -- for only $34. I figured I could try these other ones -- especially the peppermint since I get headaches a lot -- and if they worked, then I could save and invest in the Elevation.

I decided to email Amy (disclaimer: I don't really know her in real life, but I think she and I would be friends, and I told her as much in my email :) ) and ask her how to best use the oils. She was so sweet and emailed back right away! She told me that you can really put them anywhere on the body -- and some you can even ingest -- but she recommends putting them on the feet since the pores are the biggest there. She told me to use peppermint often because it would be the one that would really prove to me that oils work.

... and she was SO right.

As I mentioned earlier, I get headaches a lot. I take several Advil a week, sometimes more, and I always keep it in my purse. I received the peppermint in the mail about two weeks ago, and let me tell you how many Advil I've used since then: zero.

Let me say it again -- ZERO.

I'm telling the honest truth. I put peppermint in my handbag and pull it out whenever I get a headache. I rub one little drop (ONE DROP!) on my temples and the cooling sensation sets in almost immediately, and the pain from my headache dissipates. In fact, my friend Sarah was over two Fridays ago -- the day I got the oils -- and she said she had a headache. I said, "Um, I hope you don't think I'm a weirdo, but could I offer you something?"

I told her about the peppermint, and she put some on and commented that she really liked the cooling sensation. Just last week my principal was complaining of a headache after school, saying she had taken a couple Advil and was going to take more, and she was getting ready to drive a few hours to a meeting. Once again, I was all like "Um, I hope you don't think I'm a weirdo, but ..." and gave her the oil, too.

Additionally, I woke up with some severe back pain last week (never happens to me, must have slept wrong), and it hurt so badly all day that finally, on my planning period, I rubbed a couple of drops of peppermint onto my back. IT HELPED.

In Amy's email to me, she also offered to send me any samples of oils I might like to try. PERFECT! I asked her to please send me Serenity, Balance, and, of course, Elevation. (Amy said these are some of her family's favorite oils.) I received those oils a couple of days ago, and WOW. I put Serenity on my feet before bed, and fall asleep easily and sleep so well. I've been putting a couple of drops of Balance on my yoga mat before class. (I want to see if I can dilute it with a little water and put it in a spray bottle so I can spray my mat!) And, of course, I have been obsessively using Elevation since the minute I got it. It must have these warming properties because I feel a warm sensation when I use it. I put Elevation on my feet at night, too, and then I also put it on my wrists and on my heart in the morning. I used it before school last Thursday, and, at the end of the day, I asked my homeroom how their day had been, and one kid said, "The teachers all seemed to be in good moods today. You were really happy this morning." A weird coincidence? Maybe, but I can tell you the ONLY thing different about me that day was that I used Elevation, and this kid has never said this to me before.

Here's the thing -- oils are expensive when you first look at them. Like I said, I was taken aback by the cost at first, too. But then I realized that you're really only using a drop or two at a time, and one bottle of oils will last for years. I mean, how much do we spend on prescription drugs every month/year, you know? And if you set aside $35-$50 every month to just purchase one oil, that's manageable.

I know I might sound like a huge weirdo, and, I mean, I AM a weirdo, but not because of this. I've been talking to my mom a lot about them, and she's really interested, too. I'm also keeping my sister Erin updated about them (she's the kind of person who would be into this kind of thing, I mean she's a vegan :) ), and she said, "I love that you're becoming one of those people." And I was all like, "Oh I know it. I do yoga and use essential oils."

I mean WHO AM I?!

But really, the oils are legit.

So if you've been thinking about trying them, I highly recommend it. I keep all of mine in a little pouch in my purse (TIGHTLY closed, of course!) so I can pull them out at a moment's notice. I suggest trying peppermint first, as it really is the one that will show you the most immediate results.

*Oh, I'm getting nothing for talking about oils, doTerra, or Amy. I just really, really, really like these oils, and I spent FOREVER going back and forth before I ever bought any.

Kicking Out My Roommate

On Monday nights I like to take a yoga class with my favorite teacher, Ashley. She always begins class with some sort of uplifting comment, idea, or reading to meditate upon and think about. I just got back from her class tonight and I really think God was speaking to me through Ashley's thoughts tonight because what she talked about aligned directly with one of the things I'm working on this Lent.

Ashley said she's reading a book called The Untethered Soul. She shared that one of the things she's been reading in it is the idea that we all have a roommate ... and that roommate is us. More specifically, that roommate is the voice inside us that provides ongoing commentary to us about how terrible we are, how ugly we are, how we make awful decisions, etc. Basically everything negative we think about ourselves. And Ashley shared that if we had a friend who did this -- followed us around telling us how awful we are all the time -- we'd basically punch that person for two reasons: one, they are saying mean things, and two, they never stop talking.

So very, very true, right?

Before Lent started this year I was thinking about things I could work on to draw closer to God. One thing that I decided I should "give up" this year is thinking negative things about myself. I am so very, very good at telling myself what a terrible person I am, so I decided that, to use Ashley's metaphor, I needed to kick out my roommate.

I got this idea in my head when I shared a certain "Thought of the Day" on my board at school a couple weeks ago. I always share a quote of some sort -- sometimes serious, sometimes funny -- and I get them a variety of places. I can't remember where I saw this one -- probably randomly on the internet -- but it was my Thought of the Day, and I took a photo of it because the longer I looked at it, the more important I realized it was:

Isn't this so true?

So my prayer for you is that, if you have a really mean roommate like I do, you kick that person out, too. You don't need someone being mean to you all the time.

You're awesome.

Staying in the Game

I usually go to a yoga class on Monday nights at 5:15 that I really enjoy. Tonight, as class was starting, the teacher, Ashley, read a quote from a writer she likes that basically said we have lots and lots of chances to try again and get our lives right. It sounded a lot like something I told my fifth grade religion students today. They had made some Advent goals (mostly surrounding treating their siblings better) and I told them that even though it's no longer Advent they can still be working on their goals. And that they'll fail sometimes because we're people and we get things wrong, but that's not a reason to throw in the towel. We have to get up and just try to do a little bit better today than we did yesterday.

What I really liked, though, was at the end of the class when Ashley said that we need to show gratitude to ourselves for "staying in the game." I don't know why, but that really struck me. I've never really thought before about being grateful to myself for getting up every day, even though I've made a lot of mistakes, and keeping going and moving forward. Truly, thinking back on all my bad choices and mistakes, I probably should have benched myself long ago, but I haven't. I've stayed in the game. And that's worth being proud of myself for.

As my life coach Kid President says:

Local Eating!

I like to shop locally whenever I possibly can, especially where food is involved. Luckily, we have a great year-round local foods store called the Wild Ramp that I visited this morning. I bought a few things and then realized it was about a day's worth of delicious meals!

First up, breakfast:

This delicious mocha zucchini bread from 3 Chicks A Bakin. What a great way to start the day!

Lunch:

I bought these grape tomatoes from 4got-N-Tymes. These cucumbers were grown by local veterans through the Veterans and Warriors to Agriculture program. (I will admit that the red onion is one I already had at home.) But the bonus? This bowl was crafted by a local artist, and I got it at this great event called Empty Bowls.

Dinner:

Purple potatoes! How much do you love these? They are so pretty! Sadly, I can remember which farm they came from, but I will try and find out and will update when I can.

I also got these great green beans from Back Acher Farms. I used one of my favorite recipes, which I eat about once a week, and this is by far the best this recipe has ever tasted!

Dessert:

I am not a huge fan of fudge to be honest, but this looked so good I decided to try it, and I'm glad I did! It has lavender in it -- yum! It's from Spirits of the Wildwood.

Bonus:

So this didn't come from the Wild Ramp, but I did stop in to our local beer place, Bottle and Wedge, to pick up a couple of new bottles to try. I haven't had one yet, but maybe when I get back from yoga tonight. I mean, that's how that works, right?

Overfed but Undernourished.

Over the past couple of years I've tried to pay more attention to what I eat, incorporating more fruits and vegetables and eating fewer processed foods. I pretty much believe in all things in moderation, but lately I've been living the exception rather than the rule.

Lately I have been thinking more about what I put on and in my body, especially now that I'm 30 and nature starts taking its course. Yesterday I was turning on Netflix to find a movie to watch in the evening, and I  noticed that something that was recommended for me was a documentary called Fed Up. If you haven't seen it, in a nutshell it's about how the amount of sugar in processed foods is at the root of our nation's obesity problem. After that, I moved into watching Forks Over Knives, which is about rejecting animal-based and processed foods in favor of a plant-based diet.

Here's the thing -- I know that numbers can be manipulated to back up pretty much any point that someone wants to make, but the general gist of both of these documentaries is we need to eat real food.

And can't we all agree with that?

I appreciated a lot of what these documentaries had to say. For example, they stress that it's not as simple as "calories in, calories out." And that's true. We eat way more in a day than we can burn off, even if we combine exercise with our daily activities that naturally burn calories. The thing is a 100 calorie mini-can of Coke just can't have the same affect on our bodies as 100 calories worth of almonds. It just can't. Additionally there are just so many chemicals in processed foods that cannot be easy for our bodies to process. There are many stories about people who were able to go off many medications by changing their diet to natural foods. Have you ever thought that we take so many prescription medications every month yet continue to eat chemicals?

I don't mean to be preachy, because I sure don't know what I'm talking about and also that's offensive. I'm just sharing some things that have come to mind in the past couple of days after giving it all some thought.

My sister Erin is a vegetarian, and after watching Fed Up and part of Forks Over Knives last night I texted her to ask if she felt physically better since she switched to being a vegetarian. She said yeah absolutely and also that she's thinking about going vegan. The thing about myself is, I really don't need to lose too much weight. I have an average-sized frame, and several years ago I lost a bunch of weight because of a medication I was put on. (Before you ask me to tell you what so you can take it too, just believe me when I tell you I'd rather have my 15 pounds back.) However, I think I am what I recently learned is called a TOFI, or Thin Outside, Fat Inside. Meaning, just because I look thin on the outside doesn't mean that I have healthy insides. And I really don't think I do. The other scary thing I noticed about myself over the past year or so is that after I eat a large meal my heart starts to race like it's literally taking my body a massive amount of work to digest it all.

So late last night I took my trash can and disposed of about 1.5 bags of processed and other unhealthy foods I had laying about my house. This afternoon I went to the store and bought some more things to help supplement my new food choices. Another thing the documentaries said that I liked is that you can't think of it like "I'm going on a diet." You have to think of it like, I'm adding these new, nutritious foods to my diet and gradually the old ones with go away. Or think of it like I'm eating real food! And you get to eat a lot of food when it's real food.

I got some quinoa, couscous, brown rice, almonds, leafy greens, squash, grapes, raspberries, Greek yogurt, broccoli, colorful peppers, brussels sprouts, red potatoes, green beans, dates, and many other things. You'll notice from the Greek yogurt I haven't gone vegan like Erin may be doing, and I'm not even saying I'm going completely vegetarian, but I'm putting more focus on things that come from the ground.

I hear you now -- Anna! There's beer in there! Darn right. Because I'm a person. Not a machine. And my intention is not to declare my hatred of things like cake, wine, and Chick-Fil-A. Because what kind of life is that? But on a daily basis, the best bet is for us to nourish ourselves with actual real food. The thing that really stood out to me in all I watched was this line: We're overfed but undernourished. WHOA. That's so true. We are the wealthiest nation in the world and also the heaviest. It doesn't matter what you put on your outsides if your insides are dying. Also I don't make much money at all, and I can't do a lot of things like shop or go to the movies, and yes, it would be WAY cheaper for me to have stocked up today on things like frozen pizza and chips because that stuff doesn't cost as much money. But at what personal cost to my body and future would I have done that?

The truth is even as I'm sitting here I'm thinking how good some cookies would be. (I mean donuts are my favorite food.) And that's to be expected because sugar is a drug. The more you have the more you want. And it takes time to detoxify yourself from sugar and processed foods. Like I told my sister last night, this languishing in the headache, processed foods, sugar, etc. lifestyle seems easier than changing. Which means I need to change. And if I don't do it now, I never will. It'll be super hard for a while turning away from old habits, but I am praying that it pays off with more energy, healthier insides, and an all-around better feeling.

For dinner tonight I made myself roasted red potatoes and green beans. I loosely followed this recipe, meaning I used it to tell me what temperature the oven should be on and how long I should leave everything in there. But here's what I personally did:

Ingredients:
- 6 small red potatoes
- Some french-style fresh green beans
- salt
- pepper
- olive oil
- rosemary
- fresh garlic

This is the first time I've ever used by rabbit garlic press (is that even what it's called?) that a friend brought me back a couple years ago from her trip to Prague!

Directions:
1. Preheat oven to 400.
2. Cut the red potatoes into eighths.
3. Place the potatoes in a bowl, and drizzle some olive oil on them. Add salt, pepper, fresh garlic, and rosemary to taste and mix around.
4. Place the potatoes on one half of a cookie sheet you've sprayed with cooking spray.
5. Bake for about 15 minutes.
6. While that's baking, throw your green beans in a bowl, and drizzle some olive oil on them. Add salt, pepper, fresh garlic, and rosemary to taste and mix around.
7. When the potatoes have been in about 15 minutes, add the green beans to the other side of the sheet.
8. Bake for another 15-20 minutes.


It was so good! Now that I'm thinking about it, I should have added some slivered almonds to the mix! Next time.

Oh look! I also had dessert. :) I made a little parfait of plain Greek yogurt, raspberries, and some organic dark chocolate granola. That was super good too!

I tried to help myself out by washing my grapes and bagging them up in individual baggies and making some yogurt raspberry parfaits in tupperware containers. I'm about to sit down and plan a couple meals too because I feel like I do a lot better getting my fruits and veggies in if I actually plan what I'm going to eat in advance.

Anyways, these are just some thoughts that I've been having lately about what we put on the inside of our bodies and how we really need to think about what we're filling ourselves with.