Drinking Pink Champagne on a Cruise Ship

Long before bucket lists were cool (thank YOU Morgan Freeman), I started a list I called "Things I Want To Do Before I Die." I started it back in high school and it's up to 60 things now. The only reason I know how many is because I just pulled the book out... for the first time in months and months. I thought about it last night, how very long it had been since I looked at my list, let alone crossed something off. There are so many things on this list and they vary so widely, but all make me smile. These are things like See a live moose, Drink pink champagne on a cruise ship like in "An Affair to Remember," Ride in a convertible with the top down with a scarf like Grace Kelly, Put a hammock in my yard, Go fishing, Go to mass in Latin. Clearly some of these are things I can't randomly do on a Tuesday evening. :) But it hurts my heart that I haven't crossed anything off in a while. But I think it hurts my heart even worse to know I haven't added to the list in a while. Oh Anna.

I keep my list in the back of a book that in the front pages holds quotes I love. Some I've written out, some are taped in from magazines or books. I also have a few mementos of nice things people have said about me. I looked at the most recent quote added to the book, and I'm sorry to say I don't remember when I put it in there. That breaks my heart too.

This is a book full of hope and happy things. So today, today I'm brushing the dust off of it and putting it in a place of honor, not the lowest book under the lamp on the beside table. I have a lot to do, and I need to get started.

It looks like nothing, but it holds everything.

Something Wonderful Will Happen

Sometimes it's so easy for me to love my life and be happy with who and where I am and not be lonely. And then sometimes there are Saturday nights. Saturday nights where everyone I know is at dinner with their boyfriend or at home with their husband and children. Like last night. I had had a great day with my friend Sarah going to breakfast and then shopping for and helping our new Junior League members complete their volunteer project. It really was a great day. But when it was over -- around 4 p.m. -- I was home by myself for the evening to eat takeout on my couch. And you know what? Sometimes that is AWESOME because I am queen of needing introvert time on the couch not talking to anyone. But other times it's so much fun to go to the wine bar or dinner with someone and just be out and alive.

I was struggling a bit with this last night, I'm sure mainly due to the circumstances of this week. But after I got my dinner, I was flipping channels and saw that movie "Enchanted" was on. What a great save, God. :) I love that movie because it is so, so hopeful, and I don't love anything like I love hope. And maybe some people prefer depressing movies when they're not feeling so hopeful (misery loves company, I know), but not me. I like hopeful things when I'm not-so-hopeful because it makes me smile to see love and hope and feel my heart move as I remember I still believe those things. Even if it is just in the movies. 

And, I always stay absolutely silent for my favorite line in Enchanted -- "But dreams do come true. And maybe something wonderful will happen." 

Something wonderful sounds nice. 

Seven Quick Takes: Pancakes and Nuns

Linking up with Jen and friends!

1. My friend Sarah and I are co-chairs of Membership for the Junior League of Huntington this year, which means we're in charge of securing and training new members. Part of their membership requirement to join is to do a service project. This fall, their project is landscaping the Junior League Community Center, which is used by many local organizations at low or no cost for meetings and events. The new members' responsibility was to plan it all and give us a shopping list. Sarah and my responsibility is to buy the stuff on the list. We are landscaping tomorrow at noon. Do you think Sarah and I have purchased the stuff yet? No we have not. Which means we get to make a trip to Lowe's at 8 a.m. tomorrow. I don't know if you've ever visited Lowe's at 8 a.m. on a Saturday but it is populated by my parents and other 50-somethings. And me and Sarah. We're hoping to squeeze in a trip to iHop for cheap, delicious breakfast to make getting up at 7:30 a.m. on Saturday worthwhile.

2. If you do not think this is absolutely making my life worth living right now, you don't know me at all.

3. I don't feel deeper disappointment in my life, I don't think, than when I get on Feedly and my favorite bloggers have no new posts. I went out of town for a few days in August and didn't keep up with blog reading, and I was SO EXCITED when I got back to so many posts to read. I LOVE IT.

4. Is it spelled iHop or am I getting that confused with iPhone, iPod, iPad?

5. Just looked it up. It is, in fact, IHOP.

6. I'm going to a surprise party tonight for two of my dearest friends who are both turning 30. They are married; Ryan's 30th was yesterday and Jana's is next week. I honestly cannot  believe it's time for my friends with whom I graduated to turn 30. My birthday is in July... it was crappy when everyone turned 21 before me, but not so bad when it's 30! Although I'm weirdly looking forward to 30. Being a 20-something has been hard.

7. My friend Marissa entered the convent in mid-August; the Dominican Sisters of Saint Cecilia in Nashville. Before she left, I let her know that the weekend of Oct. 5-6 I had a wedding to attend in Nashville and that I'd love to go to Sunday mass at her convent and catch a glimpse of her. I knew we wouldn't be able to talk, but I thought it'd be awesome to see her face and know she was there and doing well. When we got to the chapel we were WAYYYY in the back. I prayed and prayed all through mass that God just let me get a quick look at her face. As I was walking back to my pew from communion, I spotted her at the last possible moment. She didn't see me, but I was so grateful to God for answering my prayer. After mass, my mom, sister and I stayed seated just in case Marissa might walk by on her way out. Then, the best thing happened. Marissa walked near me and motioned for me to leave the pew; she took my hand and led me down a hallway where we got to TALK FOR 10 MINUTES!!! It was so awesome. She told me she's doing so well and that Jesus loves me so much! She also told me that she's been learning lately how God loves us because we're his daughters, not because of the things we do or what we accomplish. He just loves us because we are his daughters and he made us. It was so wonderful to hear! I honestly have never in my life been around someone who radiated so much joy. I really don't have words for it. Joy was just flowing out of her and I wanted to soak it up. I think it must be the kind of joy you can only attain when you are so right with God you could not be more right, fully living in his will for your life.

It was wonderful to see her, but I realized later the whole thing actually served an even bigger purpose. I had prayed to God so hard to please just let me glimpse her face, thinking that that was the absolute biggest and best thing that could happen. He responded by letting me talk to her and hug her instead. Which means God is prepared to give us abundantly more than we could ever think to ask for.

Now, go see Jen for way more fun!

Me and Marissa.

When Your Brain Needs to Catch Up With Your Heart

I wrote a letter to Story this afternoon. I had been wanting to for a while, but for whatever reason I wasn't able to write it till today. I started it at work this afternoon, then took it with me to the dance studio to finish before I taught ballet. I hoped to sneak it in her dance bag while she wasn't looking for her to find after her class. Which I did. :)

I wrote Story thanking her for what she does for my life, which is pretty much ensure it moves forward. There were things I needed to say a long time ago that I just really needed her to know. I wrote and wrote, and at the end of the first page, I wrote something before I even thought it. I think it came out of my heart because, in order for my brain to understand what it said I had to go back and reread it. And what I read was this:

Once upon a time always ends with happily ever after.

Wow. I read that and couldn't help but smile. Widely.

And who would believe it, as, on paper, I should be very sad right now. But once upon a time always ends with happily ever after.

In case you are really scared I have completely left reality, I do know that life isn't perfect and things don't always work out the way you want them to. Trust me, I know. There are things in the middle of those two things that aren't so pleasant like eating a poisoned apple or cleaning up after wicked stepsisters or being chased by the Queen of Hearts. But at the end of all those pesky middles comes happily ever after.

At least, that's what I hope for. And what my heart, apparently, believes.

The Lord Gives and the Lord Takes Away

There are many sad things in the world that cause pain and suffering, but I think one of the worst is a broken heart. Heartbreak pain is really indescribable pain... it's the kind that makes you think you can't sleep (and you can't), you can't eat (you really can't), you can't get off the couch, you can't go to work, you can barely move because every bit of your energy is going in to just taking your next breath. Just keeping yourself alive for one more moment. 

Heartbreak is something that most people have experienced. Some of us more than one time. And, the thing is, it never gets easier the more times it happens. In fact, I feel like the older you get the harder heartbreak is. The harder you fall. But with age I think also comes a sense of perspective, so even if it hurts more, hurts so badly you don't know what you're going to do with yourself, maybe one day you'll be able to process the pain in a way you couldn't do when you were younger. Or at least know that when you're hurting so badly now, even if you can't see the end of it or when it'll be over, you know that one day you will wake up and it will all be okay. It just will. 

Obviously I'm feeling a bit of broken heart right now. And by "a bit" I mean I am feeling the pain of a broken heart right now. It's pretty fresh. And I thought yesterday that most people, when they think of meeting God and asking Him a question, they want to ask him what is the meaning of life? But me? I'd ask him... where were you? Where were you God? Where were you when I was crying and in pain and praying to you for help? Where were you when I was praying before to please only let me feel this way if it came from You. WHERE WERE YOU? 

Fortunately I read the writing of a lot of people smarter than me, and I read something last night that really helped me. You can read the whole thing here (and you should), but it all boils down to this:

Each time I am tempted to scream, Where is our God when we suffer?!, the crucifix provides its own, wordless response: He is right here, suffering with us.

He's here. Suffering with us. I'm God's daughter. When I hurt, He hurts. He feels the pain I'm in. Even though He has the ability to take it away in a second, for whatever reason He's decided that this is something I need to feel and experience and suffer through. But He feels it too. I'm not here feeling this pain alone. He's beside me feeling it too. So thanks, Jen, for helping ease the heartache of someone you don't know and have never met.

One thing I asked my best friend Melissa last night was why? Why did this have to happen? In the grand scheme of life and God's world and His plan, was it really so important to God that I go through this? Could he not have just prevented it from happening or taken the feelings from my heart? The answer is, of course he could. And I don't know why I had to feel pain or why He didn't take it away. But I'm trying to be okay with the fact he didn't. And, at the very least, this is just another situation that reminds me the kind of friends He has blessed me with: friends like Melissa who have two small kids and a husband and a job but talked to me for an hour on my drive home from heartbreak central last night. I couldn't have made it home without her voice on the other end of the phone. Friends like Story who found me at 7:30 this morning on her way to school to bring me muffins and a note and a hug. Friends like Sarah who texted me all morning from work and then told me to meet her in her backyard after work for wine and talking because our trip to the store for Saturday's volunteer supplies could so wait for something like this. 

And like I told Melissa this morning via email: I got a little sleep, and I just took my medicine and brushed my teeth. I'm about to shower and clean up some things. I haven't cried today since I hugged Story this morning. I feel okay. I really do. :) It hurts, it does, but Mel, I choose to believe I am magic and that life is magic and that God has blessed me beyond measure with all the many people and things I have to be grateful for. As I told you last night, I have a list of things in my life that will never change, no matter how old I get or how heartbroken I am or anything. There are friends that will come and go and I know that, but there are things I know that will never change. Story won't. You and your kids won't. My parents won't. Sarah even won't. I choose to believe I'm special, that God made me just the way He wanted me, and although I might get angry with Him because I don't understand why he lets me hurt so badly sometimes, perhaps it's not for me to know now. As my mom told me this past weekend when we were talking Fulton Sheen saved my life so I could LIVE my life not so I could be scared of it. 

Who knows why heartbreak happens and why some people (ahem, myself) seem to experience it more than others.  But I guess the real question is -- why NOT me. But it's not the pain that's the important part, the important part is getting up and still believing in your own magic. Believe that hope is the most powerful magic of all. 

The note Story brought me this morning with my muffins. Love that kid.

They Shoot Single People, Don't They?

Remember how I was talking about having to go on two blind dates within a period of about five days? I went on one of them Friday and I have another to go on this Wednesday. My hilarious friend Sarah and I were talking today about our newest theory on how people decide with whom to set you up. Spoiler alert: it has less to do with who you actually are as a person and more to do with the fact that you are single. 

And... go: 

me

1:27 PM

honestly this is my life.

let me tell you my new theory...

you know how gay guys complain that sometimes people are like "oh you're gay and i know a gay guy, i'm sure you'll hit it off!" like the only reason is b/c they're both gay?

i feel like i'm getting to an age where people are like "you're single and 30? i know another person who is single and 30!"

---

Sarah 

1:28 PM

yeah, i have noticed that people do that to me too

at the last CCBA happy hour dave tyson wanted to set me up with some guy who he described as "very attractive and very into fitness"

does that sound like me and/or my type?

---

me

1:28 PM

HAHAHAHAHA

---

Sarah 

1:28 PM

the basis was something like, "we talked about travel and he likes to travel too"

---

me

1:28 PM

oh noooooo... i am laughing out loud.

---

Sarah 

1:29 PM

who DOESN'T like to travel?

---

me

1:29 PM

HAHAHAHAHA right?!?!? that's what i'm saying!!!

my friend erin was like "i know this guy i see at mass."

---

Sarah 

1:29 PM

i mean, who really wants to sit home instead of going somewhere new? that is the dumbest self-stated hobby ever

---

me

1:29 PM

great... sounds like my dream man

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH

i hate to travel. the world sucks.

---

Sarah 

1:30 PM

omg i know

that's like when people say, "i am really into food"

oh, food? your basic survival need?

ME TOO!!!!!!

---

me

1:30 PM

HAHAHAHA

the funniest part is i can hear you voice saying "me too!!!" in my head.

---

Sarah 

1:31 PM

hahaha i'm trying not to crack up

why not just say, "i like drinking water" or "i drive a car"

we probably have those things in common too

---

me

1:31 PM

i breathe air

i use the bathroom

---

Sarah 

1:31 PM

EXACTLY

---

Sarah 

1:31 PM

it really makes me want to reply with "oh, food? food sucks. i avoid it like the plague"

---

Double Blind

You know what is really uncomfortable? Going on a blind date. Weirdly, after having not been out on any sort of date in well over a year, I am going on not one, but two blind dates in the next few days. When it rains it pours, right?

The first one I'm going on is tomorrow night. A woman I know who works for a dance school north of here messaged and asked if I would be interested in meeting a young Catholic guy she knows. Now, I absolutely hate dating. Does anyone like it really? But I've come to feel that, within reason, you should give everyone a chance. You never know. If they're recommended by someone I trust, then I'm fairly certain they will not turn out to be a serial killer. And you'll never meet anyone if you don't go out and meet anyone, right? My friend and her husband and this guy are meeting me halfway between our cities for dinner tomorrow night. I'm glad it's not totally a blind blind date, in that Erin and her husband will be there. But I'm at that point where I'm already nervous, I don't know what to wear, etc. You know how it is.

Wednesday evening I'm going on an actual blind date (like "he'll meet you at the bar!") at a local pizza place with a guy recommended by a girl I know and really like. Once again, I'm already nervous, etc. WHAT do you talk to these people about? I am seriously envisioning myself and this dude sitting there and staring at each for lack of anything to talk about. Ugh. I really understand why it is advised that you develop a friendship with someone before you start dating them. Because then you've been yourself all along and you would know exactly what to talk about.

Who knows... one of these guys could be the one! The only thing I'm sure of is that at least one of them isn't. :)

Speaking of, further complicating the fun blind dates is my teeny crush ("teeny") on this guy I know and am actually friends with. GAH. This is my life. :) I  mean, that's another topic for another day... how do you know if someone LIKE likes you?

Now that this post has devolved into being written by a 12-year-old, it's time to go.