My Biological Rabbit

Snicks has what my sister Erin calls a "feeding station" in the living room. (I guess that's because he has another food station in another room, but I just feel that if I'm eating and watching TV, he should also be allowed to eat and watch TV but that's for another day.) He has a little dishtowel by the wall with one bowl of food and another of water. 

The other day I watched him push the food bowl about 8 inches off the towel so that he could lay on the towel. And, no lie, about 15 minutes later he decided he was finished laying on the towel... and he moved the bowl back to its proper place.

I often wonder if people can tell that Snicks is adopted and not my biological son. But then I see things like this and I realize -- people know he's mine. 

Where I've Been... or the Night Bishop Fulton Sheen Saved My Life

October 5. That's the last time I posted on this blog. I could say I got busy (true) or that I just couldn't think of anything to write about (sort of true) but neither one of those things are true true.

The simple reason I stopped writing is -- Anna didn't believe in magic anymore.

And when you have a blog called "Anna Who is Magic" not believing in magic is a major problem. So is disappointing the person who convinced you you've always been magic in the first place, Story. (Read "About Me" and "The Story" for the details.)

Anna? You stopped believing in magic? What the what? I know what you're thinking. I started as the director of a dance studio, which I've always wanted to do; I got a job as the managing editor of a magazine, which I've wanted to do since I was 14; and I got the surgery that changed my life. If those things aren't magic, then what is?

Oh, I'm right there with you. Lots of lovely things happened to me. I am fortunate in so many ways. Good friends, great family, nice apartment, Baby Snickers. But when your mind gets sick and turns on you, then it doesn't matter how much you have or how many people love you. It gets very, very dark. I'm already the poster child for one disorder (no, really, like I'm on TV talking about it) so I'm not sure I want to be for another. But if you've been there then you absolutely know what I'm talking about. You're not crazy, you still go to work and school, you see your friends, but you're still just down. Like you don't have any hope, you don't know what you're doing with your life. There is no more magic.

The week between Christmas and New Years was the worst. And that's supposed to be a very magical time of year. But it just wasn't. It was marked with inexplicable sadness, darkness and wondering what the heck it was that I was doing with my life. Hard to explain but, again, you've been there = you know. If you've never experienced that, I am so happy for you, and the best way I can think to describe it is THERE IS NO MORE MAGIC.

Two Saturday evenings ago I was home by myself, lying on the couch and watching TV, but more than that -- I was going through all those feelings again. Recalling things I've done in my past and feeling so guilty about them I was paralyzed, wondering if I was going to be living in my garage apartment forever alone with the rabbit, wondering if I should be living in the town I am or if I was supposed to be somewhere else. On and on and on. And I wondered -- what is really the point of my life? I had a very George Bailey moment, and, I'm not sure how Jimmy Stewart felt about it, but that moment did not feel good.

I looked over and hit the guide button on my remote control. I don't even remember what was on, but apparently I didn't feel like watching it anymore. The first thing I saw was a show called "Life is Worth Living," and it surprised me. Like -- God? Excuse me, is this thing on? GOD? Did you hear me? You heard me, right? Or is this a coincidence? I hit the button, and realized the show was on EWTN.

Now, let me pause here to say I am a cradle Catholic. Baptized, First Communion, Confirmation, church every sunday, etc. As of late, I had not been attending mass, not really doing any reading, anything like that. God was there when I felt like talking to Him, I ignored him when I didn't want to care. My experience to that point with EWTN was teasing my dad for the amount of time he spent watching the network on TV and listening to it on the radio. (And if you don't know what EWTN is, pretty much it's the Catholic Channel.) Let's just say I wasn't EWTN's #1 fan, sending emails to Mother Angelica or Facebook friends with Marcus Grodi, just sayin'.

Anywho, I watched the show. It was 30 minutes long. It was a re-run of an old show that used to air on television, starring Venerable (at the time Archbishop) Fulton Sheen. So I watched the whole thing. And he said something that really spoke to me. He said "It is one thing to get off the right road. It is another to throw away the map." And I thought -- Anna, you are off the right road but you have NOT thrown away the map. It's not too late... you aren't lost for good.

(Are you totally bored now? I sort of am. Don't blame you.)

After that show went off, Mother Angelica Live Classics (best show title ever because is that even possible?) came on. Oh Mother Angelica. She talked a lot too (Don't these shows sound horribly boring? They're really not.) and one thing she said was "We must persevere through our loneliness." Now, loneliness is something I really was struggling with, so that sentence really helped me out. I heard it and was like -- we MUST. We = me. I MUST.

So I sat up.

That does not sound like a big deal, but it was. I sat up. I picked up the computer and googled "Fulton Sheen." The man wrote books, so I ordered them. EWTN had some more programming on, so I kept watching it. I got up the next morning and went to mass. And after 28 years of going to church, it finally hit me -- life is not about the things I want to do and the fun I want to have and the trips I want to go on. It's about God and what He wants for me. I don't know what happened, but my heart finally got it. It was lighter. It just felt lighter. It was just like the darkness went away.

And ever since that Saturday night, I have just felt different. The guilt dissipated. I now know that you ask for forgiveness, you get it, you move on. I realized that God's up there minding the fence and trying to help me find out what He wants for me. And He hears me. I realized that you can't have it both ways or sit on the fence -- you have to choose. What kind of person are you? If you try to do that, that's what makes you crazy because you're trying to be two people -- and you're neither one of them! I feel like my heart is more open. Will sad things still happen? Oh for sure. Will I have frustrating days? Yes, in fact I did today. But when I feel myself going back down into the darkness, I remind myself about the magic, and I shift my perspective back.

So now that you've read all this you're probably wondering if I'm going to join the convent or never change my channel from EWTN or read a book by someone whose first name is not "Saint." Um, no. In fact, I'm watching Dance Moms right now. :) Point is, I don't intend this to be a blog about being Catholic. First, because I don't know enough about it to talk about it. And second, because people like  Jen and Mary already do it WAY better, and I love reading their stuff. A blog I really admire is Grace Patton's because she never comes out and retypes the Catechism or says "God" every other word. What she does is talk about her life, and mass and being Catholic are just part of her every day life and that's what I aspire to. Also, so is being funny, but that's neither here nor there.* This is a blog about my life and what's going on, and THIS is what's been going on lately.

Also, I'd like to look back on this post in a few years and remember about the night Fulton J. Sheen saved my life.

Anna who believes in magic... again. And for good this time.

*In the effort of full disclosure, I should probably say that I am absolutely dying for Grace to be my friend. Oh, and Ashley too. These people are about my age, and really, I don't have that many Catholic friends. In fact, I have one, so I awkwardly admire Grace from afar. And Ashley just displays the kind of attitude I also need to be displaying. 

It's Seven Quick Takes Friday!

Once again linking up with Jen at Conversion Diary for Super Fun Friday!

1. I don't have cable in my bedroom (I believe that's called a "first world problem"), so I keep my DVD player in there and often watch DVDs. I feel like the DVD player and I have a good relationship but I'm starting to think it thinks I need to be smarter and/or more educated:

Yes, that is closed captioning IN SPANISH. Did I turn it on myself? I did not. In fact, I turned it off on the previous episode, and then when this episode came on IT TURNED ON AGAIN. I honestly have no idea why my DVD player wishes to communicate with me in Spanish, but I think this takes more investigation.

And, yes, that's Bewitched. And before you ask, I have seasons one, two, three, six, seven and eight. I think. I know I'm missing some. Who doesn't love Bewitched?

2. My sister Erin, frequent star of this blog, is of the belief, and is trying to convert others as well, that this is the "greatest video of our generation." You're welcome. I guess.

3. Do you have something in your life that you just love so much, you can't even explain it? I do. For me, that thing is Wikipedia. I could spend all day, every day reading about I'm not even sure what on Wikipedia. My favorite thing to read on Wikipedia -- deep  breath Anna, it's time to get this out in the open -- are plots of horror films. You see, I am a majah fraidy cat, and I won't see scary movies. But when I see the previews I am so interested in them that I just HAVE to know what happens. (What do you mean The Hills Have Eyes?! What is happening in that Cabin in the Woods?!?) So, in order to satisfy my curiosity, I read the plots on Wikipedia. I was certain this was something everyone did... until my sister Erin informed me that, in fact, this was something NO ONE did. Huh.

4. Speaking of things I love, how preshtastic is this picture of Baby Snicks?

Yes, that is the bunny himself asleep on his side, with his presh little head smooshed into his plastic bowl. Isn't your heart so warm now?

5. I listen to KLOVE pretty much all day long (if you don't you should try it) and this week is their fall pledge drive. They always have a charity that they support within their pledge drives, and this season is an organization called Operation Warm. In a nutshell, they make sure kids have warm coats to wear in the winter. Look at this beautiful quote from a boy who received a coat:

For goodness sakes, donate $10 and buy a kid a coat! 

6. I am in Magazine Writing class this semester for my Journalism Master's program. Our assignment right now is to write a profile story, and I chose to interview and profile filmmaker Deborah Novak, who was so kind to invite me to her house to interview her a few days ago. Her latest documentary is on New York City Ballet dancer Steven Caras, so I looked him up on Facebook and on a whim, messaged him to see if he'd comment for my story. Not only did he comment, he replied within a couple hours AND wrote at least a paragraph. It was awesome. What a nice man. And an awesome experience for a ballet nerd like me.

7.  I am starting a new job on Monday... more to come later, but please pray for me.

Oh Boy

I'm not very outspokenly political -- I prefer to keep my thoughts to myself and instead encourage people to do things like donate to the food bank and buy needy kids winter coats -- but this photo really struck me this morning:

I saw it on yahoo.com. The smiles say "Pleased to see  ya, opponent," but the eyes, oh the eyes. If eyes could kill, we'd have had two dead dudes in the OK Corral last night.

Seven Quick Takes Friday (at Camp Patton!)

1. And the lamest blogger of the year award goes to... myself. I know, please, don't everyone be jealous all at once. For some reason it takes an OMG IT'S QUICK TAKES FRIDAY jolt to get me to post. And I don't know why... I love blogging and writing. Perhaps this (incredibly prestigious and not at all made up) award will be what I need to get it going!

2. I had the stinkin' coolest experience this morning. You may remember the surgery I had that I posted about back in July. Well a couple weeks ago the post got a comment from someone whose parents saw my commercial. This girl has hyperhidrosis just like me and had been suffering for many years. I offered her my email address and we've been corresponding ever since. This morning was her surgery! A couple of days ago I thought it might be nice for me to stop in and see her before her surgery. (I live only a couple blocks from the hospital.) But then I thought, is that weird? I mean... I'm an introvert, I'm not usually trying to make awkward conversation with people I don't know. But then my mom wisely told me to go with my gut, and honestly, I would have found it comforting to talk with someone who had personally had the surgery. So I emailed her and asked if I could stop by or if that'd be weird. She said she'd love to meet me. So I got to Cabell this morning and had a really awkward conversation with the  nice lady at the desk. It went something like this:

Lady: Can I help you?
Me: Yes, I'm looking for _____________."
Lady: I think she's here, let me look. (Looks at paper.) She's here, but she can't have visitors yet. 
Me: That's okay, do you know if her parents are here?
Lady: I don't know, but you can look. 
Me: I don't know what her parents look like.
Lady: (Gives look.)
Me: Um, well, see, I don't actually know _________. Dr. Kiev did my surgery too and _________ emailed me and we've been chatting so I thought I'd come see her. 
Lady: (Still looking.)
Me: Oh, I mean, she knows I'm coming!
Lady: Let's look over in the waiting area for her mom. 

Luckily, said lady was SUPER nice. Cause honestly she could have said "Are you family? I can't tell you if ________ is here. Security?" 

3. Anyway back to why it was a cool experince. (Or "stinkin' cool" I believe was the expression.) I got to meet her, talk with her and her mom and generally feel awesome that I'd met someone just like myself. I brought her some hand lotion, like my mom got me after my surgery, and she started crying, so her mom did and me too. I'm just DYING to know how her procedure went and how she's feeling. I can't wait to hear from her!

4. In other news, I had to find this old thing I'd written that I knew was somewhere online. The only thing I knew to do to find it was Google myself (you've done it too, don't lie) and this is what came up:

Dude, I'm not going to lie, it is AWESOME that I'm the only Anna Lafferre in the U.S. and Canada. Sure, Lafferre has been a pain to pronounce and spell all these years, but how many people can say they are the ONLY person with that name in the U.S.? Not many I bet! And I mean I know we're all special,  blah, blah, but AWESOME. :)

5.  I held a kitten at work today. EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE. Once again, if you knew me 3 years ago, you'd be like WTF? Where did Anna go? Until I got Baby Snicks I was not known for my love of animals. I still don't like cats much, but WHO can turn down the opportunity to hold a kitten that weighs less than a pound? I about died. Although I bet Snicks knows I held another furry little one. Yikes.

6. My sister Erin has kindly been working on the dance studio website. She's doing it for free, and I saw the basic format the other day and it is so lovely! She is coming over tonight so we can go over some content-related things but it should be up and running by Monday!

7. This afternoon I've been reflecting on the fact that I have a lot of really good friends. People that I probably don't thank enough or tell enough how much I appreciate their friendship. I am a really blessed person. As the Ellis Paul song goes, "Thank the Lord for the friends he cast in the play he wrote for you." 

Go see amazing Grace for better takes this week! 

7QT Friday!

1. Another week spent worrying about Snicks' poo. Lordy day. I got up Monday morning (thank God it was a holiday from work) and found that he had had a bout of... shall we say... diarrhea at some point early that morning. I spent about three hours cleaning it off the floor, the walls (seriously?) and off Snicks himself. Rabbits do not get baths, nor do they like the water, so hovering over the kitchen sink while clutching a squirmy Snicks and trying to wash his tail end was a really enjoyable way to pass 30 minutes. After researching online and learning that Snicks was to die any minute because he could not survive a bout of diarrhea, I realized he had what is loving and correctly called "poopy butt syndrome" (no lie) possibly because I am an overly indulgent mama who provides Baby Snicks with ample time with his best friend, oats. Needless to say Snicks has spent the remainder of the week hating his life while I've provided him with only greens, hay and some pellet foods. Unfortunately for oats, Snicks has found a new best friend. His name is shoebox and Snicks had enjoyed snacking on him this week. They've grown so close.

2. Also speaking of Snicks, sometimes I look down and I honestly realize that I have a rabbit running around my house. A rabbit. Just roaming. Odd.

3. Has anyone ever realized that "turn it off, then turn it back on" is like the catch-all quick fix for pretty much everything in the world? Internet not working? Turn your computer off then turn it back on. Cable guide frozen? Turn off the cable  box then turn it back on! Too bad we can't use that for things like people and days. :) 

4. For those that know me, you know I have literally been counting the days until the Season 2 premiere of "Once Upon a Time." (23 more days!!!) I am so excited. Every Sunday night I tune in for the weekly dose of fabulous magic to get me through the next week. #MagicisComing is trending on Twitter and I LOVE IT!

5. I love teaching my students in ballet. They are wonderful. This year, I'm teaching Creative Movement to the 3-, 4- and 5-year olds; teaching a class called Dance Fundamentals to kids who are around 7-, 8- and 9-years old and then teaching our oldest students who are all in middle or high school. It makes me so happy to have our dance floor full of kids standing at the barre. Fabulous! And my little ones exhaust me and crack me up. The hardest part is listening to the sound of my own voice non-stop from 5-8:30 p.m. every Thursday. I know it's hard to believe, but I actually do get tired of hearing myself. 

6. This weekend I am headed to Louisville, KY for the wedding of a friend of mine. I'm very excited for her! I'm also really excited to be travelling there and staying in a hotel with my BFF Melissa. What a fun weekend away!

7. I am contemplating a somewhat big life change and would appreciate any and all prayers for discernment. Thank you. 

Adventure Runs in My Veins

I grew up with two younger brothers and two younger sisters. I also taught ballet to little children (still do) and did a lot of baby-sitting. Far past the age where most of my peers had "grown up," I still had Santa Claus at Christmas, I watched a lot of Nick Jr., I built tents out of couch cushions and sheets, I dressed up barbies and read stories about princesses.

It stands to reason that I very well may never grow up. Sure, I have a job, I live in my own apartment and I pay utility bills. But Anna who believes in magic is really the truth. In my heart, I really believe that true love is real, that baby Snicks understands what I'm saying, that real life can be like a fairy tale. I never want to be too "old" to chase an ice cream truck or catch a firefly. I like to dance around my apartment and think really I'm Snow White. I think my life holds more promise than it shows right now and that there is so much more to my life than there seems to be.

A dear friend of mine sent me the link to this blog post this afternoon. It perfectly states exactly how I see the world. In summary (my favorite parts):

"Children revere story, because they live inside it. They live inside it because they understand that we are all more than we seem to be. I am a creator born of the Creator. Adventure runs in my veins. There is winter, and there is cold, and there is dirty laundry, and there are sticky dishes. It is mine to delight in making them all over again, to make a tent of the sheets, and a carpet from the moss – spaces for the sacred ones to gather. There is a promise in that."

Anna who believes in magic, indeed.