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Wednesday, April 8, 2020

I have seen a couple posts lately by people whose babies are about the same age as Bert mentioning that their children can crawl, can pull up to standing, can eat the same dinner foods that the parents are eating. I'll admit it, I freaked out. And, like most rational, calm people, I immediately began Googling "8 month olds and ______" *fill in whatever verb I'm worried about* I saw phrases like "typical babies" and "most babies" at 8 months old can do things like roll a ball or spot a toy across the room and crawl over to grab it.

WHAT?

I definitely began beating myself up, wondering what I've been doing wrong with Bert and why he can't do these things other babies can do. I was really worried, and I was also really embarrassed.

This morning I got up really early, and I began to think about Bert and how he is a unique child, how he "doesn't know what the internet says he's supposed to do" as Joe rightly says, and how, most importantly, he was made in God's image.

So, with a deep breath, I thought that maybe it would help someone else to know the following:

Bert turned 8 months old this past Saturday, April 4. Bert just recently started being able to sit for longer than a minute or two. Even now, after a short period of time sitting, he begins to tip forward and cry because he's uncomfortable. He's unable to really play while he sits because 99% of the time he needs at least one hand on the ground or on his leg to stabilize himself. He is nowhere near being able to to crawl, nor has he shown any interest in standing, let alone walking. He still eats pureed food only and has only recently (read: yesterday) been able to eat tiny chunks of banana that aren't completely pureed or mashed. He struggles to pick up a piece of food and put it in his own mouth. He has tried 15 foods and is still on the "try a new food, wait three days to try a new one" eating plan. He is not in the ballpark of eating what we eat for dinner. Bert cannot roll a ball. He cannot spot a toy across the room and crawl to it. He can't say any words, he just makes noises.

And he is a person, and I love him because of who he is, not what he can do.



And I think that's the lesson I need to take from all of this. There is nothing -- NOTHING -- that Bert could do that would make me love him any more. The love I have for my son comes from his personhood, not his achievements or abilities.

Even as a mom of only a few months, I already see how competitive moms can be with other moms, trying to "one up" with their kids' achievements -- from straight-up bragging to indirect comparisons and those ever-famous "humblebrags" -- even when their kid is only a few months old! (Not saying that every status update is one of those things; some people share just to give a genuine update. I'm sure you understand the difference.) I'm so happy for you and your child and what he or she can do. That's amazing and you should be proud, mom! But friends, this is where I officially step out of that race. I've never been a fast runner anyways. I never, ever want my little guy to feel like I'm disappointed in him or embarrassed by him because he cannot do what other kids his age can do. What a horrible disrespect for him and his soul. And I also want him to learn to be intrinsically motivated to do things and not do things for the recognition he will get from the world.

And when I thought about it more, I realized that, in fact, what I've been doing is projecting my own insecurities and shortcomings on Bert. I have always been achievement-driven and for many years felt that I "deserved" love because of the things I accomplished. I still struggle with this.

So maybe you're reading this and you don't have kids or your kids are all grown up. But here's what I think you can take from all of this: I think it's so easy to compare ourselves to others, no matter our age or situation. Other people your age might own a home/have a fabulous job/have a lot of savings. And maybe you don't. This age of social media just makes it worse, and I won't add to the commentary on that since there's already been so much research done on the topic. But I'll agree it's true. I think now, with the virus crisis we're all in, it's even worse because we all have so much more time to surf social media or the internet and see that other people are devoting their unexpected time off to learning new skills/taking online classes/running. And maybe you're not doing any of those things and your biggest lock down "achievement" has been watching all nine seasons of The Office on Netflix (again).

Friend, not that you need me to tell you this, but in case you do, I want you to know that your value as a person comes from WHO YOU ARE not WHAT YOU DO. 

2 comments:

  1. Your little Bert is a beautiful baby and you are absolutely correct. Bert will do things when he is ready and it will be wonderful and exciting to see. We all learn and develop at a different rate, so don't panic , mom. God bless you all! Stay safe!

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    Replies
    1. Thank you so much for saying this. I really appreciate it! :)

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