I AM who I AM

Tuesday, May 30, 2017

My sweet little guy has now been gone almost two weeks. It hasn't gotten any easier, that I can say. His loss is constantly with me, and the enormity of it hits me like a wave at the most random times. I am always looking for him, talking to him, and trying to remember that he doesn't need me to feed him anymore.

I've had a hard time sitting in the living room, especially in the evening, because that's the place we used to mostly hang out together. I have turned one of my end tables into a little memorial for him right now. It's the end table closest to the place where his food was and the place he spent most of the last month of his life. I haven't been able to move -- let alone get rid of -- any of his personal items, and his food and water bowls are sitting on the towel exactly as they were the last time he used them. I just can't move anything right now.

The bowl on the left has Snicks's photo on it. It was created by my friend Cindy's husband, Eric, a very talented ceramic artist. The photo frame was sent to me by my good friend Sarah. The plate on the right was given to me as an end-of-the-year gift by a thoughtful student. The album in the back contains only photos of my sweet boy.

I have been overwhelmed with the outpouring of kindness and support that I've received from friends and family since his death. I received cards from my grandmother, my sisters, my parents and brothers, a sweet student named Emma, and Snicks's vet practice. My friend Sarah came to visit me at home, and other Sarah visited me at school. Several close friends sent texts and continue to check on me. Countless special people posted on Facebook. And Joe drove all the way here and back from Atlanta to spend a weekend with me so I wouldn't be alone. As I said in his memorial post, I just don't want anyone to forget about Snicks. He was so very special, and he's such a big part of my life, even though he is physically gone now. 

Right before Snicks died, I was mulling over a blog post on the constancy of God, and it seems even more pertinent now. I was thinking to myself about how people say the only thing that is certain is death and taxes, but I'm not even sure how true that is. I suppose you can count on the fact that you will die some day, but we certainly don't know when, and although we know we always have to pay taxes, those amounts change all the time.

It seems to me that the only thing that is really certain is God.

God never changes. No matter what is going on in your life, no matter what changes you are encountering (and I'm encountering a LOT lately), God is constant. God will not change based on what you've done, who you marry, and what kind of day He's had. God just is. As God said to Moses, "I AM who I AM" (Exodus 3:14). God also said, "I am the LORD, and I do not change" (Malachi 3:6).

I am not a scripture scholar, nor a theologian. I am just a person. Not a very smart one at that. I just know that I am a person who has a hard time with change -- even good change -- and who likes to know what will happen at any given time. The world doesn't offer us constancy, but God always does. He is who He is.

The God of Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob; the God of Moses; the God of David; the God of Mary and Jesus is also the God of me. And of Baby Snickers. God doesn't just have Snicks now. Snicks always belonged to God. God just let me care for him for a time. God always loves me, and he always loves Snicks. He always loves you too. It's the only thing you can really count on. And that knowledge fills me with peace.

"The Lord gives and the Lord takes away; blessed be the name of the Lord" (Job 1:21).

Yesterday I was looking through some photos I had sent Joe, and I came across this precious video of Baby S under a blanket. Praise God for finding something like this. 

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